Hey/ Susie
Hi Baby first of all in answer to your Aunt Lana's question, yes, we knew that Frank was called Pancho when he was younger thank you for that sweet rememberance! Everything is going as expected without you, I get completly lost at times and need your help, I am completly lonely and need your gentle touch, I am completly only not complete, only half. I miss you so much I don't think a person should feel this bad for this long. You were the best thing that I ever had and will ever have, I realize this now, and wish that I just had you back for one second. I just can't accept that you're gone, I keep expecting that I will see you at every turn that I make, but it doesn't happen, then my tears fall yet again. It's almost one year from that awful day and I feel no less relief. I miss everything about you, your laugh, your smile, your gentle kind ways, you sweet love and your understanding nod at times when I made absolutely no sense. I am still mad at God for making you suffer and taking you, it makes NO sense to me, I know it's not supposed to, I know all the stand by answers, but that still doesn't make me feel any less lonely, angry or feel that I've been robbed of the love of my life. Please help me to understand all of this! Close
Surprise!!!/ Lana Marcum (Aunt)
Surprise "lil" Frankie, it is me, your aunt Lana, we were so close in age we should have been siblings.... I do think of you so often and hope you are resting peacefully in the arms of Jesus... You left behind some who loved and depended on you to be the strong person in their life.... But I feel sure they will get along but not without missing you every step of the way.... You really did leave your love with them. God Bless you Michelle and Suzie, you took good care of Frankie and I fell sure God Will Richly Bless you for your efforts..... By the way, did anyone there know that when you were a little boy, your nickname was "Poncho"? I love you Frankie and Rest in Peace. Close
MISSING YOU / Susie
Well, Babe we're coming up on your one year anniversary I printed out directions to come and visit you, hopefully it will be this week. Life is just not the same at all since you left. My love for you has only grown, and I seem to miss you more each day. I try to keep busy, but it seems as though not too much interests me, I am very lonely and I know that keeping busy will fill that void, but everything seems like nothing without you. I know that the last thing you would want is for me to be unhappy or sad, but I can't seem to change these feelings. Time is supposed to be the healer, but how long does it take? Maybe I don't want to get over you, maybe I just love you that much, I somehow think this is the answer. I miss you and think about you constantly my love, please pray for me. Love You Close
I think after all of these years I have found closure in a relationship. I no longer build up my hopes for things that are futile. A lot of people in life would be pissed, mad, etc. The difference between them and I is that in this ONE circumstance I am actually grategul to have such a warm, caring, loving friend. In my heart of hearts Pop I honestly believe he wanted out but was just too scared of the consequences. I could never play the "Blame Game." There is no one to blame. I think we both needed each other in many ways. I'll never forget a couple things about his son and he. With him I felt protected, safe, pretty. His son was the nicest policeman I have evr met. He was so calm and reassuring and way beyond considerate. If my mind flahes back to that Christmas night I swear on you that I could see compassion in your son's eyes. I will never be embarrassed but will always be grateful.
Mommy is coming here in August!!! It should be fun; I can hardly wait!!!!!!
July 4th / Susie
Well, here we are, another holiday and no you, I don't think I'll ever get used to it! I didn't think a year ago that I would be without you, I kept thinking that they would cure you, a special chemo or something. I know now that was just wishful thinking. I can't say that my life has been easy since you've left,I keep trying as best I can. Michelle has really kept your site looking nice, it does you justice. Well sweetie, "HAPPY 4th of JULY" and please please pray for us. Love You Forever Close
I'm so pissed Pop, I need to vent. I'm not going to go over what assholes I have for family members. There is no point. As you would say, "It is what it is". I'm just pissed picturing my mother laying in the yard crying b/c she has no one but neighbors to ask for help. What she HAS to know is that they really, really want to help her. She is NOT a burden. She at times has a distorted feeling about who she is. Don't we all.
There is something else I need to air out that is bothering me. I am bothered that men are calling her, inviting her for motorcycle rides, etc. It really gets me going. There is no doubt that I wish my mother happiness; but right now, the vultures are circling. I firmly believe there will NEVER be another man I cannot accept if she lets them into her life. I am sorry but it is how I feel. I know it's not right but I am still too devastated. Wish I had Charlie and Bill's numbers. Thank you for letting me vent.
First day of summer / Michelle Welkes (daughter)Read >>
First day of summer / Michelle Welkes (daughter)
Well Pop,
The first day of summer is almost here. Instead of thinking, "Oh, summer is here," I instead think of how Grandma died that day. It will be four years....wow. I still recall it as if it was yesterday. Like every June 21st, I am busy with something. I somewhat do that on purpose to occupy my mind. It has gotten easier to cope with over the last years, but the memories are still as fresh. Brittany is graduating Friday and I am so proud of her. She really is turning out to be a good young lady. In a way it is shocking. I believe most children who have had so many losses in their young years and a mom who basically cannot do to many activities with her as all other moms can, would not be excelling as well as she is. I guess I'll give myself credit in the fact that even though I might not be able to play much with her, I work hard every single day at trying to instill values, morales, respect and the guidelines in what I expect of her academically. Maybe that's more important?????? Something is right because she does excel in what I guess are the things that matter most. I still cannot help but feel horrible when she wants to play cards and I have to have them right in front of me because I cannot reach. It's a constant pain that at times she does not understand, and I get that. There has to be a yearning inside of her for her mom to be able to do more. I think I would feel the same. For three plus years I have been living my life according to my back. It controls everything I do every single day. At times I feel disassociated from the rest of the world. It is sad. I do not blame anyone or anything for it, I am just starting to really, really ask God to help me instead of telling Him it is okay. Last night I told Him it is not okay and that I need Him to help me. I do believe He will. I even told Him I do not understand why someone like myself has to suffer so much with pain when I really am a good person and others who are not good live without any type of pain. I told Him I did not think at this point it is fair. I wasn't mad, I was honest. Here's to hoping for a miracle. I believe they can and do happen. I REFUSE to drive a Hoverround at 38 years old!!!!!
HAPPY FATHERS DAY / Susie
Well it's here and it's just one more holiday to miss you. The kids and I missed you of course, but that makes it's no different than any other day, we miss you every day. I did however miss getting you the gift card from Home Depot and signing the card from the kids. I do hope that you had a good Fathers Day in heaven your first year. I didn't do anything special today, I worked, went to Lowes came home ate dinner and here I am. Well I just waned to send my love and ask you to please pray for us. love me Close
SUMMER/ Susie
Well, Babe, summer is here and I thought that by this time I would miss you less I actually miss you more especially when I am working out in the yard. I remember how we used to work together, you cutting the grass, me gardening. Yesterday I needed to use the persuader, and it wasn't there, so I decided to use the axe, neither one of them were in the barn. I then took a quick look around and saw that most everything we had for yard work is missing. Well you know when my temper gets up!!! Well I called Bill and confronted him w/this, he of course denied it, but Frank there is noone else that has been here to take that stuff. I was so mad that anyone could steal from a dead men and I told him exactly that. Well I guess that he called Peter and complained about his crazy sister, so Peter called me and instead of asking calmly what happened he started yelling at me he stood up for Bill in every way saying that I was completely wrong. After I told him to shut up and hung up I felt so all alone, i felt that even my family is turning on me luckily, Michelle was awake and called me back it was the second time in the same day that she calmed me down and assured me that I was not alone, Frank I don't care if any one bothers w/me as long as I have her I'm ok. Never has Peter asked if I needed help with anything around the house, and this has hurt me for a very long time, to know my own brother is a painter yet I have to hire one. This however is the last straw for me It just makes me laugh he goes to mass every morning but yet can't help his own sister, isn't that what faith is all about? Helping each other? Oh well I will be going to NH next week and I think the change will be a good one. Funny when I was young and thought about growing old I never thought it would be this way, but I guess that I have to work with what I've been given, I love and miss you.Close
I have come to the conclusion today that I need to disown some Campbells. They have pushed me to my breaking point by doing what they did to my mother. I cannot describe to you how I feel about all of this because I still do not even know. I am so saddened that Mommy has to learn all of these horrible things whilst still grieving. For some reason I think you would support my decision. I am very glad she is coming up. I am sure we will t that have fun. Sometimes I think that it is actually better that I moved. If I was closer I do not know what I would do to certain people; honestly. It's one thing not to bother with someone by either phone calls, holidays or whatever. It is an entirely different scenario when you believe in your heart that your brother will stick up for you and he doesn't. I am guessing it must feel like a slap across the face. No loyalties whatsoever. His uppitiness, thinking he is better than everyone and shitty comments to people are now over. He, his wife and his "child" may live in their lovely little world. There is a saying that if you do not have family you have nothing. I hope they will feel the nothingness that they have brought upon themselves. I do hope that one day they need something, for I will laugh in their faces. Worry not for mommy, because I am here and the shit stops now. I just needed to get this off my chest. I love you and I miss you. Guide me so that I may guide my mother.
I am looking for the words to say but they elude me at this point. I simply cannot believe what is going on. What's funny is, everything I was ever taught about thieves and liars (from a very reputable source), just proved to be true today. He actually buried his own self. He admitted to taking the ramps and holding onto them in case he needed them again. He then said how the garage was cleaned out three times. Now, I do not even know how many times the garage was cleaned out. One can only surmise that he meant by himself. I did call Peter on both numbers and let him know that IF this man keeps up or if ANYTHING is missing again I will be in Connecticut and I will be bringing Bill home in a body bag. Yes, those were my exact words. I also left on the voicemail that he needs to "watch his shit," because this guy is nothing more than a "lying, stealing junkie." Make no bones about it. I might be gone but I am not forgotten. There are plenty of people that I know that would love to hurt someone just because. THIS is not how grieving is supposed to be. The only thing I can hope and pray is that like he told me when I was going nuts over Missy that one day when he sobers up he will realize what he did and it will haunt him. Personally, that is NOT good enough for me. He WILL get his one way or another. I promise you that.
JOB/ Susie
Well Sweetie as we knew my job at Pitney is a thing of the past. I know that you were quite concerned about how I would be financially wise and I just want to assure you not to worry, everything will work out, it always does. I hope to go to Michelle's house for Britt's graduation, I think the date is the 20th, I'm a little nervous about bringing the dogs I don't want to upset Bear, after all it is her home. I'm afraid that Bear will smell them and bark continually or go crazy trying to get at them. Michelle assures me that all will be ok so I have to have faith in her words. My heart is aching for this kid with this back the shots that she has to get are excruating, I don't know how she has the strength to live like this, she is a very strong person, at times she amazes me, I am so proud of her in every way, to bear this pain and still be able to smile and be positive is amazing to me. I know that you are not her biological father, but it's amazing, she has so much of you in her. You also put up with unbearable pain not telling anyone the awful truth of horrible pain that you felt. I know that she has an unending love for you, and I'm so happy that she had the chance to meet you in her life and be able to call someone Dad that really deserved it instead of the pig I was married to. I will never forget you for giving her this special love, she certainly deserved you after what she had. Well that's my nostalgia for tonight sweetie, remember, I will always love you, miss you and hold you most high in my thoughts of gratitude. Please pray for Us, Love You Close
I went for my second time in two weeks for cortisone shots. Let me tell you, they are not fun. I am trying so hard to be optimistic and not sad but is have been just so long. I don't even tell Mommy how much they really hurt. I don't think there are words to describe it. I need to ask you a favor. Could you possibly see if the Big Guy upstairs can give me just a little. If not, it's okay.
On a different topic. I have noticed recently that my clock radio in the kitchen goes off for no reason. I could be siting on the couch and the radio will go on????? Whom do you think is responsible, hmmmmmm?
Love you so much!!!!
So glad Mommy is getting a reprieve. I will be so happy to see her!!!!!!!!
ANOTHER DAY / Susie
Hey Sweetie! Well today I had a meeting w/Human Recources about my departure from Pitney Bowes, we discussed what I get etc. I get to keep my Medical and I am so glad that I get to keep my life insurance for a year. I was so afraid because people told me that we loose it, but I got that straight. I get to keep it also for one year, I was worried because if anything would happen, the kids would'nt have the money to throw me in the ground and knowing my daughter she would go in debt just to make sure I was buried proper, so now I don't have to worry about that the only thing that I seem to be losing is my dental and at this point, it does'nt really matter LOL!!!! So you don't have to worry about me I assure you I will be alright! I seem to be ok financially, insurance wise , and I know that I WILL get another job. I know this was really on your mind for quite a while while you were still here, but now you can rest easy I think I've taken care of everything to assure my welfare. Now if I could just lessen my sadness at losing you, honestly Frankie I can't stop missing you, I don't think I will ever be over this, I think of you and miss you everyday. I have to go now because I thought of something important that I have to tell Michelle, so I will talk to you soon, my love. Please Pray for us. Close
Crazy/ Susie
I'm writing this for the second f---ing time because the verifacation code didn't go in!! I'm pissed because Brittany was on when I came on and never said Hi as ususal so I'm giving up on her, no more money, nothing I can't pretend that everything is ok anymore when it isn't! She never calls me or anything, so BYE, BYE!! My only true love is my daughter, she has always been there for me. Whether or not people know it, I am totally alone and it's very difficult. Michelle understands and if I may say so I'm also pissed because she feels that she can't work on this site because of the big fu--ing blowhard she is married to. It's OUR site and she has every right to workon it!!! Frankie WAS her father and F--k anyone that disputes that and feels that she is nuts because she works on this site is dispicable, and I have no respect for them, so Michelle if you read this, please get back to work on this site, ME & You it's good for you I should know, I'm your mother you felt you were doing something good for your mother & father and you were, please don't listen to ass----les! I guess that I'm pissed because Michelle is the only that has taken time for me, even though I spent a few thousand on allergy tests and saving lives for a person w/unknown illnesses! I know this letter has to hurt Michelle, but I can't help that, I've had enough, she's my life and always has been I'm sad that she has selfish people in her family. I Love Her more than anything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Close
Miss You / Susie
If you had told me a year ago that my life would be this way without you I wouldn't have believed you. It seems that I am caught up in a whirl wind, not knowing which way to turn, I am so lost, I turn this way and that and nothing seems to help,I don't know who I'm supposed to be anymore! My job at pitney Bowes will be gone in a few days and I know that this upsets you. I'm already thinking of what I want to do next, imagine I'm almost 60 years old and I have to start all over again! My life has always been this way though, very confused, I guess that's why I'm just a litttle crazy! I miss you more as the days go by, I thought it was supposed to be the opposite! I constantly think about you and virtually see you at times, honestly Frank, I just plain miss you I really feel that half of me is gone. It's Memorial day weekend and I'm alone but that's ok I don't need people all the time, but I sure do miss you. Hoping that some one puts a flag on your grave. Please Pray for us. I Love You! Close
MISS YOU / Susie-
Well, because of Jim Almon's screw up I had to go to Danbury City hall today and get a death certificate. It just brought back all old memories and I felt so sad being there. When I came out of the building, i just burst into tears, I couldn't help it the old feelings came rushing back in and I couldn't handle it. I thought I was getting a little better with missing you, but I see that the feelings are just below the surface, I felt the same way when Michelle was here and hurt her back I was nervous, scared, and overwhelmed with fear. I just can't stand to see people that I love hurt or sick. As I said, today was a really rough day for me I know that you're here with us, but sometimes I just feel so alone and lost I miss you more than I could have imagined I could,. I love you and miss you and please pray for us. and I don't think that will ever change, you were the love of my life and I miss you terribly. If you could, would you please help Michelle with her back, she's in so much pain all the time, that it's not fair, she has no life and this disturbs me terribly please help her or ask the BIG GUY for a favor, please help us and pray for us , my Sweet . Thank You Close
People told me but I never realized how badly a mother can hurt when there child is hurting because of others. Brittany has been going through Hell with this kid across the street. I kept quiet for a while hoping he would stop...........I did not want to get involved too soon. I hoped and prayed he would find someone else to be his prey because he is nothing more than a predator. The other major factor is that I KNOW it is going to be WAR now between his father and myself. Honestly, I am ready. After I heard Shrimp crying in her room last night, I in turn went to my room and cried. The only difference is each tear that fell down my face became harder and hurt more each drop, thereby giving me the strength to fight for her. I've spoken to whom I need to, written the letters and will now wait. My next step will be to go to Superintendant Tammy Davis. I DO have the law on my side because it is illegal to bully AND it is illegal for the school to allow it..............even on the bus. I will NOT let her go through what I did as a child. Times are different now and the children have the law on their side. When I was young, we had nothing except our parents to back it up. When it was me I felt I "deserved" it. When you grow up in the type of household I did with my father, your judgement becomes clouded. I guess I felt if my mother was getting beaten and yelled at all the time, that must be the way it is supposed to be. I honestly do not know if mommy believes all I went through in grammar school but it is all true. I really did love school itself. It was the being picked last for volleyball, being called, "Jaba the Hut" amd being terrorized by phone that made me literally sick to my stomach and skip school..(I promise you it was NOT for the curlers and face masks). Many, many years I felt Mommy viewed me as a waste. She worked so hard for so many years to send me to the best school. What do I do to repay her or show gratitude? Become a waitress, that's what. BUT, damnit, I was a good one. The schooling and struggling paid off. I AM very intelligent and I know what it is like to live with basicall the clothes on your back and a suitcase. These are lessons one does not learn in school. I think she does now not view me as a disappointment. I have become a loving, caring, reliable and responsible person. I have to be honest.............it helps me a little too when people tell my mother they like me. It makes me feel like I did something right and I think it does the same for her. If I have to walk through the pits of Hell to keep my child safe, I will without looking back to the light. I have had lots of practice in handling idiots and have no fears. I will NOT have my daughter crying herself to sleep and too embarassed to tell her father. I am grateful she told me. She knows I will handle it......................only thing is Mommy MAY need to bail me out of jail. Just kidding. I will handle this situation like I do most others, with style, integrity and grace. I ask not for myself but for Brittany for you to protect her today with your everlasting love so that she is not scared or upset. I know you will, you send me the signs. I am eternally grateful for all you ever did and for what you continue to do.
I love you,
Michelle
By the way...................Where is that 2x4??????
Hi Sweetie / Susie
I just miss you so much it's terrible, I don't think I will ever get over it! I'm trying to keep busy, but I still think of you and get so sad. The warm weather makes me think of last summer and how awful it was. Certain things just bring up memories. No one has yet told me to get over it like Michelle said was said to her, I think because people know that I would tell them to go f------k themselves! It's only 34 more days until I get my lay off from Pitney, I know you are worried about that, but don't worry, I'll be good, I'm going to take off about 6 months just to get myself back and get some rest then I will get another job. I'm gonna be 60 years old in a few months and I have to still work as hard as when I was 20 because that's where my life has brought me. I'm not complaining, but I thought I would be old w/a husband and just enjoying my old age, but I guess that is not in the cards, oh well that's life. Michelle and Brittany are coming Sunday and I will tell you I just can't wait, I miss them more than they know, Michelle was wondering how she would get to the bus stop in Danbury, I can't believe that she has so little trust in me that I would give up anything for her job, money, whatever! I just can't wait to have her here,relax and enjoy her I know that you'll be here too enjoying her and Britt! That's it for now , Please pray for us All my love Forever Close
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