CHRISTMAS / Susie Partdner
Well Frank, Christmas has come and gone. I didn't know how I would make it through, but with Michelle's help I did.  I missed you so very much, this was our first Christmas in over 20 years that we were not together. I thought about you often today thinking of Christmas' we spent together, and the fun times that we had.  My life will never be the same without you as I told Dr. Burns it's like someone ripped me in half and took one of the halves away, I just feel so not whole, like something is missing all of the time, and something is missing and that is you.  I just want time to move faster so I won't feel the pain so much. I wanterd to drive to Middletown to see you yesterday, but I was so tired I just couldn't go, but I will be there one Saturday when I am off, I promise. I will close for now and hope that you had a very Merry Christmas, and please tell Jesus "Happy Birthday" for me. Love You. Close

Christmas / Michelle Welkes (daughter)
Well the day is finally here Pop. Honestly, I am quite relieved. Definitely not a day filled with joy. I am so very disappointed in Brittany. In ten years I have not woken up without her on Christmas. Never mind the fact of all the stuff Mommy bught for her.I honestly don't know how I feel b/c I am so upset. It really is quite embarrassing for me. I would have never thought she would have done this. I never would have had Mommy pick up all of the food and stuff for her. I get what it's like to be a kid and miss your cousin and what not.............but, she could have spent at least one night here. It's also hard telling her or Henry what I think without being criticized, ridiculed, told I'm crazy or getting yelled at. People wonder why I am depressed; I don't. It would have been me against like 25 of them yesterday. Just not worth it. I just wish for Mommy's sake that it didn't turn out like this. I know she's hurt but I hope she knows not to take it personal. This is how it goes when they are around.

I hope you have a very merry christmas in Heaven. I love you and I miss you.

Love, Close

This is hard  / Michelle Welkes (daughter)
Hi Pop,
   I had to write to you this morning to tell you how hard this is on me. I was trying to watch the morning news and I had flashbacks of the night of your wake. Particularly of Mommy putting all of the food and stuff out. Then my mind skipped to Mommy going to bed because she had enough. I knew that at the time and let her be.  It's amazing how our minds work. I've never replayed that scenario until just now. I remember sitting out on the deck thinking to myself how hard this was going to be on Mommy. Not the paperwork, phone calls or any of that stuff. Just the fact that you would no longer be there with her. I know how hard this is on me. At times it feels as if I cannot breathe. I am just so very sad that I cannot even put it into words. I think it is a very good thing that I am going home for Christmas. This way Mommy and I can find comfort in each other. As Christmas draws nearer each day, I find myself consumed with anxiety, sadness and upset. I know you would not want this. I try to help it but sometimes I just cannot. How does one turn their brain off? With each loved one that dies, I find a piece of me dies too. Pieces that cannot be replaced.  It's funny how I can come off so strong but I am really so weak. I am my own worst nightmare. I just love you so much and miss you so badly. I would give my life to see you again; if only for a minute. I know I am being selfish wanting to take you away from God, but at least I can admit it. When Grandma died, I told myself that I would not allow myself to feel that kind of pain, sadness and emptiness again. I guess I told myself a lie. What I feel is completely parralel to what I felt with Grandma, empty. I wish you all of the joy, love and peace you deserve. Each day that passes by means I am one day closer to seeing everyone.

I love you,
Michelle Close

Half / Susie Partdner
Hi sweetie, you know it just dawned on me as I read Michelle's description of you, we were half of each other, that is why I am so lost without you, my half is gone and I am not whole. I am searching for my lost other half, hoping to find him again, but this will never happen because you have gone home to God. It is so hard to really realize that you are gone, I thought our love would go on forever, but I guess that nothing lasts forever. It's funny but one of my passwords for one of my sites is not2b4ever, and I wondered at the time why I chose that as a password, and now I realize why.Please keep guiding us and helping us through this difficult voyage known as life.  I love you Close

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY"  / Susie (PARTDNER)
Well my sweet, it's your birthday, I was in Home Depot this week and almost bought you a gift card, ummmmmm I'm bad. I hope that you're enjoying your birthday in heaven, I'm sure that it's a special day up there. I saw that you sent Michelle a special sign and I thank you for that . I am starting to feel the closeness to you that I had hoped for, I couldn't feel it before, but I guess that I just needed time. I thank you so much for helping us when we ask for it. You are the sweetest , most gentle man that I have ever had the pleasure to meet and I will never forget you in this lifetime, until I can see you again in heaven. As I close this note again, I wish you a "VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY", and remember that you will always be in my heart, I love you.  Close

Don't know what to say  / Michelle Welkes (daughter)
I am in shock, awe and complete loss of words. I do not know what to say except thank you. I never doubted how much you loved me and I believe you never doubted how much I loved and still love you. My heart hurts so badly but it is comforted by the signs that you are sending me. I know you are in a safe place and your pain has left. I need to take all of this in because I have never seen anything like this in my life. I am grateful to God for allowing this to happen. My faith today has only gotten stronger. I promised you I would help. I also promised you in the hospital no one or nothing will ever hurt you again. You watched over me as I destroyed all of your medicine without a second thought. I believe you were proud of me for this even though to me it was the only thing to do. I believe you were proud of me for containing myself for you when it was one of the hardest things I ever had to do in my life. I quietly laugh inside about our conversation on how people did not "accept" our way of thinking. If only they could have seen this cross. I am saddened that blood relatives hurt you but am happy that Mommy and I always had your best interest at heart. Doing everything we did out of love, nothing else. People always ask God for signs that loved ones are okay; I don't. I hold my faith close to me at all times. Maybe since I do not ask, I see. I feel today as if I won a million dollars. I also feel as though you are definitely near me. I love you Pop.
Love,
Michelle aka New Hampshire Close

What to do?  / Michelle Welkes (Daughter)
Okay Pop,
   I hate to bother you right before your birthday but I need some guidance. I am so on the fence about this job. I know you know what's going on so let me try to tell you how I feel so you can gude me better. I truly cannot believe that he got that letter. I'm still in shock, lol. I think I could really like the job in general but there are so many things I have seen and heard that get me going. The first day was the best day for me. The second night sucked. I worked with a know it all who knew nothing and was a neat freak OCD. I had to get on the dirty floor in the kitchen and clean out two small coolers. Remove all of the things then wipe them down, inside and out. They looked like they had not been cleaned since 1972, plus it hurt but I didn't show it. The next day was the worst. Moody kids, make-ups, break-ups, the letter, etc. I am not being trained properly b/c every trainer that I have had does something different. Never mind the fact that even though it is Chili's they do not know the very basics of good waitressing. Something should be said about me waiting on 2 people w/ 2 waters and 2 salads. The bill was $18.00 and the tip was $10.00. The woman paid. Now, I know I am an excellent waitress and could probably go anywhere with my qualifications. I also know that 3 out of 4 managers have watched me being trained and were probably surprised at how well I did, computer and all. There really is A LOT to learn, big menu. I would like to be able to just go in, work my section and go home. That's all I wanted from the beginning. Now I see that before you can leave your shift another waitress has to check your section for cleanliness, appropriate coasters, the booths, etc. and then sign a slip saying it is clean OR tell you what is wrong and you have to go back. I highly disagree with this procedure. If someone is out to get you, they will have you cleaning and scrubbing for hours. Then there is Mike. Bottom line, he is an asshole. All he did to me Pop was lie and lie again then cover up that lie with another lie. Every time he told the story, he had a different version of what HE said. I really have grown to hate liars and will never trust him, ever. He definitely thinks he is above everyone when all he is is a cradle-robbing, lying freak. Part of me thinks he will be "gunning for me" but another part thinks that if he knows I am that good he'll have to shut up b/c I am helping business. This is probably the worst for him, lol, because if I sucked, he could fire me. I am already having nightmares which I hate. You know, it's very easy lately for me to be straight forward with someone but then I let it bother me afterwards. Example: who knows about the letter, what do they think, will they hare me b/c I am good? I know these are all ridiculous thoughts but I am so damn sensitive. Part of me tells me just go in and say I can work a,b,c and d. That will avoid waiting for the schedule. There was a part on Thursday that told me to not go back and he can shove it up his ass. I guess the only person getting satisfaction will be him. See, as I write to you, I feel you helping me. Your advice to me I think would be to just go in, rock their world, not go to him for anything and just do my job. I do not need to make friends, I need to make money. Obviously, I can still do that. Since the letter was supposed to be confidential, I will keep my ears peeled to see if anyone hears about it. If that happens, it is a deal-breaker and he will be getting more letters sent his way. It's just pathetic that a grown man could lie so much and was so bad at doing it..........right in my face. IF you are going to lie, at least get your story right. Now I just got the thought in my head of you saying, "he ain't gonna fuck with you, he knows better." I do think that is what you would say and you are probably right. I guess the best thing to do is hold my head up high and just do my job. If he is not there a lot, I'm good. The hardest part for me is having a boss that is a liar. What a piece of crap. I am going to let you help me on this and be right next to me when I go in there. I'll say it again.........I have looked Satan in the eyes. If I could deal with that, he should be easy. Happy almost birthday. I love you, I miss you and I so deeply miss our talks. I thank God that we have had so many that I think I know what you would tell me what to do. I am so blessed.  Close

Christmas / Susie
This will be my first Christmas without you in 20 something years! It has been so devastating without you I cry every day , I'm overwhelmed and I don't think that I will ever be the same. Remember how you used to say when we were young that someday I will through you in the old boot pile, well that never happened, but it seems like you left me in the old boot pile! Michelle is enjoying her job and that makes me happy and I know that it makes you happy too she need lots of fun, and she needs to keep her mind busy with positive things, and she's doing just that. I'm so proud of her for getting this job, I'm sure that it was a difficult thing to do when you're stuck in a rut, but I give her all the love that I can for being so brave, and facing the unknown! I was in Home Depot yesterday and I was going to buy you a gift card, how funny was that?I'm going to miss you putting up the tree and putting the lights on it, those were your jobs, but now I have all the jobs.I can't write for too long because I get too emotional so take care of yourself and I will pray for you. I Love You Close

First birthday without you  / Michelle Welkes (daughter)
Well Pop,
   It's my first birthday without you here, I am quite sad at 5:29 am. I will make it through it though because I know you are with me. What an absolutely horrible day we all had yesterday. You know, you saw it. Glad it's over with. I had to step away from the norm and put on my favorite Guns n Roses song for my birthday. It's a little hardcore, but who cares. It seems like Mommy and me have become rubber balls. We keep bouncing off of one another for help and advice. Thank God I have her. If it's not her, it's me.......geesh. It's getting a little tough lately Pop, but I know there is a reason for it. I am going to try to enjoy my birthday as best I can. you will be in my thoughts, as you always are, all day. I love you and miss you so very much at times it hurts. My only help is that I know you are safe. That is what gets me through the day.
I love you!!!!!!!!!!
Big 'Ol 38 years old now,
Michelle Close

HARd / Susie
Well Frank today was a very hard day for Michelle, she had to swallow her pride a little. These two bit hillbies lied to her and bullshitted her, but she wanted that job so bad that she took it anyway. I know that you would be so proud of her, I am,. Once she gets her foot in the door she will show them what it's all about, she's no chump. she knows this business and they're amatures! I know that this will be very good for her unless these two hillbillies start picking on her, but I don't think so, the truth will come out and Michelle will be offered the assholes job, I know this. please watch over her and guide her & me if you have the time. Yhanks. Close

Hi Baby  / Susie
It's true the holiday season is really hard when you miss someone. The memories, the songs, everything just makes it hard. I had to go through some of your stuff last night to look for the keys for the pick up and all the memories came rushing back, it's just so hard without you.I am going to get a tree from the Sandy Hook Volunteer firemen because I know you would have liked that> I wasn't going to get a tree but the kids are coming. I can't wait for Michelle to come, I just need a hug from someone and she's the one. It's been very hard trying to get things done there's always obstacles and sometimes I get very disgusted but Michelle is always there to help me, I'm so lucky that I have her.I miss you more than ever and I will love you for eternity please say a prayer for us and help us along this very hard path. Love You,me Close

When is a gift not just a gift?  / Michelle Welkes (daughter)
Hey Pop,
   I would be remiss if I did not thank you also for having mommy be able to help me out. It came in handy beyond words. It truly meant a lot to me. I have a few things I need to do. I DO need to give my annual ten bucks to the Salvation Army bell ringer. I do it every year. I also have to get some clothes for my new job, get a tree and some stocking stuffers. I was able to put a big chunk away for the mortgage just in case. The housing market is so bad. I feel bad for the folks with adjustable mortgages. They are in BIG trouble now. ALWAYS get the fixed rate, always. I am shocked and beside myself that Henry came in handy. I just think it is a sin that this country revolves not around who you are but what your credit score is. sad, isn't it?
   Well, I am going to end this letter with a heavy heart. I miss you probably more than I can ever say and definitely more than I could ever cry. With so many losses I have had, I find one thing different when it comes to you. I find it easier to tell myself what you would want. Especially when it comes to happiness. I find it easier to do those things or change my thinking. This is probably another of the many gifts you gave me. I battle with myself daily about the holiday season. Part of me tells me I should not enjoy the holidays and be sad, grieve. Then, you pop into my head and I truly believe you would want me to have the best holiday season I could. I went down the road of hanging onto grief and letting it overcome me before. Truthfully, it only harmed me. You know, you picked me up from the hospital, carried my suitcase up three flights of stairs and told me to "hang on." The LAST thing you would ever want for me would be for me to go down that road again. I will not do it, for you and for me. I light your candle set every night now and always think back of an event we shared. Believe it or not, I thought today of how you helped me in 1990 going to Bpt. to have that "procedure". No questions, no judging, just love. I could write to infinitum about all of the things you did for me. I will take it , "One Pop Thing at a Time." I love you and I miss you so badly. My only peace is that I KNOW I did good by you always. For that I feel I am rewarded daily by you smiling down on me and helping me. Funny how no one ever accepted it, the fact I called you my dad. Truly, their loss for all they did. I feel you close to me every day.

Love,
Michelle Close

Leaves / Susie
Hi Sweetie! well tonight is Pitney Bowes Christmas Party, no I couldn't go I just want to stay home w/ the pups and have my steak. I'm not up to really partying right now. I'm happy for now being by myself in our little home. Well I went out and did more leaves today. I never knew how very hard that you worked on those blasted leaves, it's ridiculous. Fabio doesn't want me to use the tractor to mulch them he says that it makes his job harder well I tried not to use it today, first I ran out of gas on the leaf blower, then my back was killing me and I said too bad Fabio, I'm doing my yard the way that I want too and if you don't like it then don't bother coming over here , I'd rather do it myself he had the leaves all messy and I said Frankie would not like that and I called him an as........... well you know. I gave him your chain saw about 3 weeks ago he was going to fix the chain and I'm still waiting for it ! I have come to the conclusion that Jackie & Fabio do not rush w/ anything!I told him that I would call Sears and order a new one and he said "That could be about $40.00" I say who cares, at least I would've had the saw fixed! Michelle is very happy about her  new job and I'm happy for her! Imagine those hillbillies making her wait for an answer! I'm very happy that she listened and had the assertivness to call them! She could be waiting forever (HILLBILLIES) Well Sweetie I'll talk to you again please pray for all of us Nd ask God to give us strength. Thank You Love Meonzx Close

Hey Babe  / Susie
Hey Sweetie, I miss you so much, I was very teary when I was talking to Michelle tonight and I don't like being that way w/her because she worries, but I couldn't help it. You know how I like everything done yesterday well things are just poking along and that makes me crazy I miss you, I miss your help, I miss your guidance, even thoughyou don't think I listened to you I did you were my serenity. I wish so much that I could have you back then I realize that I can't. All I ask for is one more minute, one more day, but I know that is foolish thinking. Please give me strength and guidance to go on. Close

Job / Michelle Welkes (daughter)
Well Pop,
   It appears I will be joining the work force once again. I feel pretty good about it. I'm still nervous and worried about my back but I cannot worry about all of the "what if's". That will make me crazy. As I was driving home last night, I noticed a lot all lit up selling Christmas trees. For a brief moment, I felt in the holiday spirit. It felt really good, but, then I told myself to snap out of it. Why do I do that? Why do I always feel like it is my job to feel down and sad? I am even starting to not get it. It's like I feel very guilty if I feel happy about anything............cuckoo, I know. I'm gonna share a little story with you that nobody knows. While I was still living at home, for awhile I had not been working. Let's say a good six months to a year. I had worked at Bradlees and then gone to work for an insurance company in Stratford. I hated that job. I called in all the time and eventually got the boot. I would sleep allllllllllll day, get up about 4 or so and then do whatever. You were dating Mommy by this point. If I really try to think about it, I believe this was the beginning of my battle with depression. Anyhow, one day Mommy came in and told me I had better go and get a "Goddamned job, because I am not supporting your ass anymore!!!!!" lol.  I was 18 and she was right. Well, I came across an article in the Bridgeport Post for a waitressing job.............THAT was how Three Door Started. I became a new person after getting that job. Whatever funk or whatever I was in, I snapped out of it. I know that was many years ago, but, isn't life about circles????? Coming full circle if you will? If a little job can boost my self-confidence, earn me money and dare I even say, make me happy, then isn't that great? I think so. So for now all of the what if's and such are going on the shelf. I want to find me again. The loved ones I lost are gone and are not coming back. I do believe you would all want me to have some happiness in my life. I also believe you all might even think I deserve it. I'm starting to think I deserve it too. I love you. I'll keep you posted about second interview...lol. Close

Hey Babe  / Susie (Whatever makes you happy )
Well I went to the dentist today for about the 400th time and guess what I have an abcessed tooth! He gave me a prescription, I'll start taking them tomorrow. When I first sat down he said "This is gonna be quick and easy, no problems!" and I said " Doc no offense but I tell every Dr. and Dentist that there is ALWAYS a problem, he almost shit when I told him about my tooth! HA!HA! So we're gonna delay getting my teeth until after the New Year because my Dental has hit it's cap (Do ya think)?So I guess I won't have my teeth for Christmas, but I don't care I'm not out to impress anyone, and I'm sure Michelle won't mind. I think Michelle is the most understanding person when it comes to me I just love her she has been such a strength to me through this whole thing, I am so proud of her. Tomorrow she's going for a job at Chili's and I know she'll be hired the personality alone should get it never mind the brains.I think it will be good for her Frank to get out of that house and mix w/people, she has never been a loner she has always been a people person, very popular and this is what she needs, so please watch over her and guide her after all she is our baby! Love Metnyt Close

Protection / Michelle Welkes (daughter)
Hey Pop,
   It's funny (not literally), how Mommy has become so protective of your house. I could have called that in August. I know that people mean to help sometimes, but gee, they should ask first. They certainly should not tell her what "they" want or need to do to your house. I wonder if like me, she has become even more protective over the house because it is a piece of you. I don't know how to explain it. It was like me with E. Main Street. Even though Grandma was gone, I felt I HAD to protect that house, no matter what. Probably because she loved that God-awful thing so much. Just as you loved your house. After all she has gone through, I believe she has turned into a mother lion if you will, guarding over what is hers and what was yours. I completely relate. I just think people are ignorant not respecting what she would have wanted done. It wasn't like there were leaves in the gardens already........umm, duh!!!!! I know 100% the feeling of "leave me alone", all too well. When Grandma's house was ready to close but couldn't because of the leak and water in the basement, I stayed there from 8 in the morning until 8 at night and then the next morning. My attitude was, "I got it, I will do this myself, do NOT help me".  Here's how I look at it............The house is like an egg. It is hard on the outside, but extremely fragile on the inside; because you were in it. Mommy wants to handle the house like an egg. Ever so carefully, never letting it out of her hands. I have nothing but respect for that.
   I hope she realizes I have not or will not help her out with things hoping I will get a "tip", lol. I did what I did and will continue to do so because I promised you I would. Besides, she is my mother. I have no problem admitting if I need help financially. It has been a rough couple months and will be a very rough winter unless I can get a job (or a Leprechaun gives me about 5,000). Just to meet mortgage, utilities, doctors at 40.00 a clip plus medicines. I think everyone is under this illusion that I am rich.......lol. Truth be told, A LOT of Grandma's money in the bank went to Ensure/ med's clothing and things she needed. When she passed, I paid almost 16,000 for her funeral. I wanted her to go out in a beautiful way. I also donated 3,000 to Trumbull VNA because they deserved it. Trying to run E. Main Street for two years was enough to suck Donald Trump dry...lol. So, no, I am not rich or well off. I only have the trust for Brittany that is untouchable. I'd like to work, but am scared silly with this back.  I guess if it is meant to be, it will be. I just don't EVER want her to think I do things for money. I'd sell my body first...........don't know if there would be any takers, lol.
   In closing, I will keep on keeping on. That's all we can ever do. Let's just hope Fabio does NOT blow any more leaves..................youch!!!!
Love You!!!!!!!!!! Close

MISS YOU  / Susie
Well as Michelle said, one holiday down and that's just the way I see it. I saw a christmas tree on a car today and memories came flooding in my mond, I couldn't help but cry. It will be tough to get through this season and I know because people keep telling me! Everyone is an expert on grief, but I guess they're just trying to help. I miss you so much I just want to be with you though I know I can't.  I love you me Close

One holiday down  / Michelle Welkes (daughter)
Hi Pop,
   I hope you had a very happy Turkey Day. Mine was not that great. Truth be told, in a way I am happy I hurt my back. You see, I don't really know if anyone knows how much I truly loved you and how much I miss you. All I could think of yesterday was please let this day be over. Not hearing you answer the phone when I call and say, "Gobble gobble", was deeply missed. I try and try and try some more Pop, but sometimes it , well all the time it just isn't good enough. I try my hardest to provide for Brittany and I get myself nothing. She is my priority, I could care less about things for me. Since we are tight this year, I told Henry and Brittany not to buy me anything for my birthday or Christmas. See, that's just me........I would much rather others be happy than myself. I am getting a little tired of being sick. What really happened yesterday was I go dizzy, then hit the stairs. Yet today I get lip from the mother in-law. She didn't say much, it was just her tone. I spent $50.00 that I do not have and bought them each a specialized glass at the Blooming Iris. Not even a thank you. Oh well, I should have known better. It's getting near turning change in again for cash....no big whoop. I chose the song "Mary Jane" by  Alanis Morissette because I think it has some powerful words and pertains to me in many of the lyrics. For now, I bid you au dieu (that's see you later in French), and I love you and miss you so much I can't even think straight at times. Love, Michelle
p.s. If ever there was a couple that I could say were husband and wife, it would be you and mommy. I am so tired of this goddamned "political correctness". Spanish people say they are married all the time. They need to give it a rest or I will. Close

Turkey Talk  / Michelle Welkes (daughter)
Hi Pop,
   I went downstairs yesterday to get all of the Thanksgiving decorations. As I stood there looking around as to what to grab, I froze. I returned upstairs with nothing but a broken heart. I did not bring the decorations up because I couldn't. Your voice saying, "Gobble gobble" on Thanksgiving kept ringing in my ears. It will not nor ever will be the same without you. Whether you are twent minutes away or four hours away it just is not the same.  "They" always say the holidays (especially the first) are the hardest. I still do not know exactly who "they" are, but "they" are right. Almost like opening up a wound that has not even begun to heal yet. I guess I could sit here and feel sorry for myself as to why I have to go through this. What I TRY and tell myself is that even though I may be sad and lost, my loved ones are happy and at peace. I am especially grateful in the knowledge that because all of you suffered here on earth, I believe you are right next to God. Isn't that what it was always about when each of you were sick? That you would be relieved of pain and be with God.  It still just hurts I guess. Perhaps it is better that we are not staying home for Thanksgiving. It would be way too easy for me to wallow in my own misery. With each passing day I try to get stronger. Some days I feel as though I am getting weaker. It is all part of the process, I know. I just miss you so badly that some days I do not even cry, I weep. It truly is getting very lonely here on earth. I love you. Close