ERASTER / Susie
Well it's Easter Eve Sweetie and the sadness that I felt today was  all about you. I just looked out the window and the moon was like the night that you passed, I want to call Michelle, but it's too late , she's sleeping. It's absolutely beautiful. I'm trying to remember what we did last Easter, but for the life of me I can't remember. Whatever it was at least we were together. I miss you so much, I don't think I'll ever get over it. Well Happy Easter and I will always Love You. Love me, and please pray for us. Close

It's just not the same  / Michelle Welkes (daughter)

Well Pop, Easter is almost here. Yesterday when I was taking things out of the bags to decorate I found two cards. One for Britt and one for Henry and I. The were signed either "Love, Grams and Pop", or,"Love, Mom and Pop." It was a little too much for me to handle seeing that. I try and try to plug along but some days are just so rough. Some days, it's even hard to breathe at times. Believe it or not, lately I have been almost in like a "shock mode." It's like I think of you and then I realize you are gone. I cannot believe it at times. Not denial, just cannot believe it. I hope you know I will never ever forget you, and I will never stop loving you. Sometimes the holidays get me a little sad. I hope you have a wonderful Easter in Heaven and tell all of my other loved ones that I miss them. I view each night when I go to bed as one day closer to being reunited with everyone. None of you up there deserved to have suffered and die the way you all did.

Happy Easter to all of you,

My heart aches without you all near,

Each one of you contributed to who I am today,

I love you all for that,

Michelle

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Just need to talk  / Susie
Hi sweetie! Well tonight I went to have our taxes done and I'm really being hit big with what I have to pay! I guess I didn't have enough taken out from my gift from my brother Michael and now I'm feeling the pain! I have to pay about 15,000.00 in taxes which I just can't understand but I checked and re-checked the figures and they appear to be correct. I paid 25% in Federal and 5% in State when I was applying for the pay off, but I guess that wasn't enough so now I've got to pay up! I'm going to take care of it right away, so I can forget about it because it really has me upset, it seems like so much money for what?  I just don't understand. I was just knocked on my ass when he showed me these figures! Tomorrow I have to finish and have your returns done, hopefully I won't have to pay.Well I just needed to talk to you about this, I know that you handled it all the time and I guess I just wish you were here to handle it now for us. I love You, please pray for us. Close

What am I?  / Michelle Welkes (daughter)
Hi Pop,

For the past ten years I have been called many things. A drunk, an alcoholic, a pill-popper, a slut, an attention seeker, a show-off, someone who is crazy. These are just the names I can remember. Many more were said to me. All day long I was teetering on the edge. Trying to figure out to myself if I am any of these things. It would be very easy to succumb to someone and agree; not this time. I am none of those things. Do I live more for the dead than the living? In some aspects, yes. I do not walk around every day and talk about "dead people", but I do recall times with my loved ones that have gone on to God. Trying to figure out someone who is so insensitive is like trying to become a brain surgeon over night. The only thing I can come up with is jealousy. Sometimes when people do not have things that others have, money, fame, love, compassion; they become jealous. Then they act out in ways that are totally infantile. I do believe part of this to be true for the man I married. He can never pick up a phone and talk to his family about problems. He can never ask for help; that is not allowed. He does not know the closeness and love I have for people; therefore it angers him because he does not know how it feels and he wishes he did. We all need to take accountability for our actions towards others. I take accountability for allowing his mean and cruel and sometimes assanine things to get to me. This will no longer happen. I sat today and thought about my life. What it was and what is has become. I have come to the realization that no one can change my life but me. It is not because of the words he used to me today; those only made me stronger and made me want to fight harder. I will take the steps needed starting right now to try and find myself yet once again. Figure out what I want to do in life; who I want to be. I will take care of my body, my mind and my soul; for me. His words are just that, words. There will come a time or a day that he will know what it is like to hurt. More importantly, there will come a time or a day when I am happy again. I first need to be happy with myself. Like many other battles I have had in my life, this will not be easy; but it will be done. I will never let him control me so badly and hurt me so deeply that I need to be in a psychiatric unit again. I will never stop talking about, laughing about or crying about the ones I have lost. They were all a part of me. I know you are looking down and thinking, "You tell 'em Girl." Pop, that is exactly what I intend to do. As my mother said so many years ago; I will never, ever get married again. I will do whatever it takes to keep my dignity, pride and sanity. That is the best revenge. His words might bring me down for a short time but damnit, they will make me stronger in the long run. Somehow I feel if I talked to you about this just as I am writing to you about this, you would agree with me 100%. I love you, I miss you and I WILL fight the fight until my last breath.
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BIRTHDAY GIRL  / SUSIE
Well honey, it was 11 years ago last night that we got the call that Michelle was going to the hospital. We were both so excited, and when the baby finally came, she was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. You were so proud, I thought you would burst, and you loved her every day after that, unconditionally for 10 years. I know how much you loved those two girls, sometimes you used to make me crazy, asking, did I talk to N.H. today? Do I know the weather for N.H.? Having them on speed dial on your phone. You truly loved them both unconditionally and absolutely. It was truly a beautiful thing that you could so unselfishly accept them both as your own. Today is especially hard for me w/out you, it being the "Baby's" Birthday, I know how much you loved her and would want to call her and tease her in some way. I don't know if I will ever get used to losing you, today I spent half of the day just crying and being mad at God for taking you, life is just so hard w/out you. But Britt did have a good day and I'm so very happy for that. Until I see you one day, all my love and please pray for us. Close

Page two  / Susie
I often think of you in Middletown and want to visit you, so very much, i wish you had been buried in Zoar cemetary which is right up the street, maybe when Michelle comes in April we can come see you, I don't think she realizes how much I want to come there and see you.I'm sure she will make it happen if she knows how much I miss you. I am so sorry that you had to die, it is so hard trying to go on without you. If I didn't have Michelle, I don't know! My family really surprised me they act as if you were someone that I knew for a couple of days, not the love of my life that I knew for over 20 years! They never bother with me or even call to see if I'm alright or if I need anything it is truly unbelievable how selfish they are! I'm doing alot of changes to the house and you notice I always ask you if you like what I've done, I hope that you do. Everything that I do, I have you in my mind and think if you would like it. Love You Sweetie Close

HI SWEETIE  / Susie (FOREVER)

Hi Sweetie, you know I was thinking about all of the losses that we've had in the last few years and it is truly upsetting. Mugsey, your best friend, Rocco, my best friend, You, my supposed to be forever, about 10 of our cats, not to mention all of the family we've lost. I don't think that I will ever truly recover from the loss of you. I see certain things and I just fall apart thinking of you. It's close to Britt's Birthday and I know how you loved to get her or Michelle your "own" present, I guess because it had to be special. I never knew that your family never considered Michelle as your daughter or Britt as your granddaughter, how selfish was that to not be able to share the feelings of love that you had for them, I was devastated when Michelle told me this, I was truly taken by surprise. I think that was one of the biggest things that bothered me so very much. I never told Michelle how much this upset me but this is one of the worst things I had heard in my life. It even upset me more than

The Devil" stealing your meds! I just can't understand if you love someone, you want them to be happy and if you had these feelings of love for these two girls, why would they deny you of this? I guess I'm still very nieve when it comes to people. I think I've run out of room on this page, so I will continue on another one, Love You

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Straight Talk  / Michelle Welkes (daughter)

   I have to leave this song up for at least one more day, I think it is so pretty. I guess I was nosy and read Mommy's comments. Wow! That was some writing. It's funny how similar we are yet so different. See, I do not even think about bodies when they enter the grave. My mind and maybe religion tells me that everyone is up in Heaven, in a perfect form. Especially people like you. I hope she does not let this bother her. We are only a shell on Earth. When we are in heaven, we are perfect. At the risk of sounding morbid also, I say let that body that you had at the end of your life go away---------resume to looking more like the Pop we all knew and loved. Brittany and I have hair appointments next Monday since she has vacation. My hair is getting really long and it is driving me crazy, but, I am growing it longer. When it is long enough, 10 inches, I am donating it to Locks of Love-------I think Brittany is too. It is a wonderful cause and helps many victims (not patients, victims), of cancer.

   Okay, I am ready for the potential ass whooping in Connecticut, but I have to give my 2 cents to what Mommy is feeling. I knew she was going to beat herself up or feel guilty about yelling a lot. I know at times you did not understand it. I am not a doctor or even in the medical field, but I feel as though if I write a bit and she reads it, it just might help her. This of course is only my opinion. I mean no harm or malice towards anyone (GULP), so here goes. Every single person is different and handles things in different ways. I tend to get upset and depressed and hold a lot inside. I do not like to argue b/c I saw so much of it from  my father. You are somewhat like me. You walk away. I get very depressed when there is conflict or if people talk down to me or say things to hurt my feelings. Mommy's defense mechanism to many situations is anger. That does not make her mean or evil, it is the way she is. She needs to look inside herself, come to terms (without it being a crutch), and realize that yes, her life has been basically horrible.  I could not even begin to comprehend what losing a mother at a young age could do to someone. For many years, she was in "survivor mode." After her mom died, during her marriage, being divorced, on and on. She cannot understand what happened to the "you" that she knew years ago. She missed that terribly and did not know how to handle it except maybe through anger. I also know sometimes she can get angry and not even realize what she is saying. I know all of this, that is why I just let her be if she is upset. You never quite got that. No fault of yours, you just wanted to resolve, sometimes instigate but mostly figure out what was going on. Pop, please do not hate me but I do not think you knew what was going on with you. I would bet my life like I have said a million times before, that you were depressed. For whatever reason I believe it went untreated for many years. Either you did not know about it or you found yourself, like I have in the past, used to it. Mommy has asked me many times why, what, etc. The only explaination I can give her is that I firmly believe you were in a chronic depression and no doctor, and maybe even you did not realize it. I have been there many times before and know how frustrating it is on family. You don't want to go out, do anything and God forbid, have a good time. Sometimes I would feel like I did not deserve to have a good time, so I might as well just stay in bed..........what does it matter, everyone is pissed at me already. I think Mommy feels "jipped" out of many  years with you.  If I could look her in the face and tell her (away from wooden spoons) that if in fact you were depressed it would be no different than if you had diabetes or even cancer. Depression is a disease too. I know my mother and if she was truly unhappy with YOU she would have left without a second thought. You and I talked and the same applied. I do not think you necessarily grew apart. I think you both may have changed somewhat and neither of you knew what to do. If it was depression, thankfully Mommy has never had it in that way; I have, it sucks. Sometimes when she would tell me what's going on it was like she was talking about me. My only advice I could give to mommy is to try sometimes to control her anger; just a little. She gets so frustrated and so frazzled at times it is hard to watch. What I DO know without a shadow of a doubt is how much you loved her. You always told me. You were just a little confused at times. I am sorry Pop but sometimes we need to fix ourselves before we can figure out or fix anyone else. Actually, all we really need to worry about fixing is ourselves. Mommy needs to find closure with this. She needs to not beat herself up for she truly did nothing wrong and NEVER meant to hurt you. I could talk about all of the should haves and could haves but what would that do? Absolutely nothing. I know you loved Mommy, the animals, the house, me, etc. but I wonder if you loved yourself. It is almost impossible to love anyone if you do not love yourself first. I am not using depression as an excuse or something I made up to make her feel better, this is what I truly believe. It can make someone completely incapacitated. This is only my thoughts and I pray neither of you get mad at me. I only write out of love and hopes that I can help. Mommy did a wonderful job taking care of you and I think again feels "jipped" by having your family there. It was what it was. I pray for her to have nothing but good thoughts of you and to stop trying to figure out what was wrong. She will never know until she meets you again. In my opinion, she needs to find herself again. Something only she can do. She needs to get some enjoyment out of life which I think she is starting to do. I KNOW you wish her nothing but the best. This is a delicate time for all of us. It is coming up on six months. It can open wounds up and be very tough. Just know that I am here to watch, help and protect her.

I love you Pop,

Michelle

ps If you want to give me a sign about all of this, I'm fine with it. :o)

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Hi Sweetie  / Susie (forever)
Hi Sweetie I have been thinking about you lately at the grave site, about how your body is decaying away, I know that it is morbid, but this is what I think of. I can't help but think that you should still be with us. it's not right that I have this house it should be the two of us just like we dreamed it would be. I still think about you every minute of every day. I still miss you from the bottom of my soul. I still wish you were here to help me. It's supposed to snow tomorrow and I remember how you would take me to work so I didn't have to drive in the snow. Charlie says that you spoiled me and I tell him, "you bet he spoiled me" and I miss him more than words can say.  Michelle wrote how she thinks I feel guilty about something and she's right, I feel guilty about the way I always yelled at you, I know you wanted to help everyone, but you neglected "US", and that's what bothered me the most, but I couldn't make you understand that. You said that I was never happy, and it's true, I wasn't. You had no interest in the house, no interest in taking me anywhere, and I was feeling alone. I thought why did we buy this house and just neglect it? Why did we live together and just neglect "US"? I didn't understand, I tried to but couldn't. I know that I do love you and wish it had been different, it was in the beginning, but not later and for that I am sad. Just stating my feelings, please forgive me if I'm a nag. Please pray for us. Love Susie Close

I'll Keep trying  / Michelle Welkes (daughter)

They say the third time is the charm; for me, it seems as though I will have to rely on the fourth time in writing to you. For whatever reason, it would not keep before. So, here I go again. As you know, we have more snow here than a hooker has diseases. I knew you would find the humor in that. Henry is still sick but I will be taking him Monday to the doctor to see what is going on. For him to not work or drive, he has to be very ill. Not to fear, I am on the case.

I am very happy, as I am sure you are that Mommy is fixing up the house. I cannot help at times but get the feeling that she might feel guilty about doing all of these things and having people come in to do it. Here's how I look at it. If you did not want Henry to have your tools, you would not have given them to him. You gave them to him for him to use in any way he wanted to. Just like you left Mommy in the position to be able to do whatever she wanted or needed to do for the rest of her life. If I could ask one thing of you, I would ask you to remove the guilt she feels. I know she beats herself up a lot about many different things. The bottom line is, she did the best she could with the situation she was given. Any human would have lost their marbles over what went on in your house. I also know how you wanted to go to the VA and why. Though I understood where you were coming from, I am glad you received what I consider top-notch care in your final days. I never say top-notch because it is almost extinct.  Things were what they were and there is nothing we can do to change anything that happened. What I feel is that in the end you were comfortable, safe, at peace and had those whom you loved near you. Yes, it was excrutiating for us to go through. I will not lie to you. Somehow though it will have made us stronger. We just may not know it yet.

Siblings will be the next topic. As I told Mommy, I feel good that I am an only child. No expectations from siblings. mommy can say how it doesn't bother her how Peter doesn't call or anything, but I think she is truly hurt. She has every single right to feel that way. Here again is my take on the whole Campbell family. Every single one of them could have helped her in different ways. Peter could have had his "workers" in that house and they would be done in one day max. Ginny could put down the bottle long enough to see clearly and realize that maybe lunch, dinner or shopping could help ease some pain. Raymond could grow up, stop being so damn bitter at the world and have at least called her. Angie could have easily invited her to come down to FL. for a week or even a weekend. I am not saying she would have done any of these things, but it would have been the thought that counts. Leaving her alone in a house on Thanksgiving as you mow your grass or whatever the hell it was with that tool-stealing, change stealing freak is just NOT acceptable. Am I pissed??? You bet I am; and if you were here we'd be talking about it. That is what I miss most, our daily conversations. Whether they were silly, weather-related or advice needed, you wre the one I would go to. It's been very hard lately. Every time I hear about Britney spears and the "5150", I get so shaken up. You and I both know what that means (to be under a 5150). I have never felt so alone and scared in my life. I felt abandoned. But, there you were, on December 29th to pick me up from the hospital and make it okay. You understood so much about me that others didn't. You were always there especially in my most desolate times. Now, I am alone again, as I was a child with no male role model. I think every girl needs one. You definitely were mine. We shared so much together. I never felt afraid to talk to you or ask your advice. I would like to think you felt the same about me. The most humbling moment I ever had in my life was last Spring when you told me you wanted me to handle your affairs should you pass. You said I was too far away and then worried that it would be a burden on Mommy. Truth be told Pop, she had a hard time b/c of so many incompitent people, not her. If you ask me, I think she did a stellar job. I guess I helped a little too. :o) Promised I would.

In ending, I ask you again to help Mommy with any and all guilt she may have. I have guilt also. I wish I was in Connecticut when you were sick. So many things would have been better for you. On the flip-side I have to ask myself if I would have suffered major repercussions. Something I know you would never want for me. Besides, who would pick me up from the hospital??????

I love you Dad,

Michelle

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VALENTINE'S DAY  / Susie (Forever)
Well, Babe, here it is Valentine's Day already and it's just not the same without you. I thought about you alot today, especially how you suffered, and about when we were young. All the good times that we had, we were unseperable, it was just us, nobody else, now it's just me, just half without you. I just want to tell people that if you have someone that you love, tell them and treasure the time that you have together. You never know when it may come to an end and you'll be sorry that you didn't say the three little words. Please also don't sweat the little things, in the end, they don't matter. I had a good Valentine's Day thanks of couse to our daughter she sent me the most beautiful flowers and a cute ballon with a bear and hearts all over it. She just knows how to share her unconditional love at just the right times. I have to tell you that I Love the song she has on your site and I know that you would also. She is just unbelievable, she has the biggest heart of any person that I have ever met, I can't believe that she is all mine. They say that good things come from bad and I guess she is the good that came from that awful marriage. I just love her so much. I also think that Brittany will be just like her. Britt has the same big caring heart even though she is still a little girl. Well I'll let you go, please pray for us, Love Me. Close

HI BABE!  / Susie (FOREVER)
Hi Sweetie, I hope you're happy, but I guess that goes without question. Well our daughter made me feel so much better today. I was having a dilemma about which kitchen floor to choose, and all she said to me was "I like when things blend" that helped me to make up my mind and take all of this pressure off of me. I was thinking on my way home today that God gave me a little girl to help me later in life. I thought what if I had a boy? No, she was especially sent by God for me, she has helped me so much in my life with the many "dilemmas" that I have had, and I am so greatful that I have her. Honey, I still miss you so much, you truly were the love of my life and I thank you for being in my life. I'm not lonely because I feel that I still have you with me, well sweetie, I just had to talk to you for a minute, and let you know how much  love you I'll talk to you soon. Love, Me Close

HI SWEETIE  / Susie
Hi Sweetheart, it's been a while since I tallked to you on this site. I had a painter here tonight and he's going to fix the house up really nice, for us. I'm really glad that I bought this house because I know how much you loved it, and now it's going to be really pretty.  Everyone that comes here, loves the property. When I told Justin how much we paid for the house, he couldn't believe, it, he gave me the high five! I'm so sorry that you're not here to enjoy the changes that are being made, but it's because of you that I can make these changes, and I am so greatful to you. I know it's because of you that the Giants are in the super bowl and I hope that they win for you that would be terrific! On the other hand, I know Henry wants the Patriots to win, and he has been so sick. I really don't like the Patriots because of the way that they shunned Ct when they could have been our team, so I'm going to have to go w/ the Giants. GO BIG BLUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I still miss you so much my love, I have to tell everyone that comes here about you, I'm sorry, but I am just so proud of you I tell them that you could do anything, and you could. You put all these young kids to shame. Please take care of yourself, watch over us all and please guide us, goodnight my sweet Boy. Close

Scary / Michelle Welkes (daughter)
Well Pop,
   I guess you know what happened to Henry. It was pretty damn scary.  I think what was so scary was not knowing what it was.  This sounds terrible but in the last 5 years every loved one that I know that has ridden in an ambulance has not come out okay.  i was in full panic-mode while I was warming up my car and the ambulance was sitting in the driveway.  Logic told me he would be okay, even if he was having a heart attack. My mind told me other things.  Funny how your mind can play tricks on you. I thank God that he will be okay and that it wasn't his heart or a stroke but I keep seeing the ambulance. I also keep seeing many other ambulances from the past. Will this ever go away????? I did good. I stood out of the police officer's, EMT's and firefighters way. I only answered questions when they asked me. Having done this before, I knew they were asking Henry questions to be able to know his awareness and such, making sure he was coherent. I did not jump in or take charge at all. I told them don't worry about the snow on the rug, just help my husband. One of the firefighters even took our shovel and helped clear the path. They were wonderful.  I can tell you I have never seen a street blocked off like that before for an ambulance. Standing on the front porch, the cop car was to the left of the house and the firetruck to the right. The ambulance backed up into the driveway. even the 911 operator was wonderful. Her questions were not ridiculous, she didn't make me do stupid things  or ask him silly questions. Probably because I knew all she was going to ask and already had the answers. Looking into a 6'4" 280 pound mans eyes and seeing fear is horrible. Looking into anyone's eyes and seeing fear is horrible.  I think life is all about learning things. Unfortunately, I believe Henry learned a lesson the hard way. When someone is sick, it is scary, unsure, and unknown. We try to rely on the ones we love, hoping they will be "there" for us. I am not a genius, but I do believe Henry will be a little bit more "there" for me from now on. I love you and miss you so bad. 

Love,
Michelle Close

LOVE YOU  / Susie
Well, I spoke to our daughter this morning and told her how I was afraid to take my falsies out. I don't know how she does it, but she gave me the confidence, and I took them  out, it's not as bad as  I thought, this whole thing has me feeling very old. It's like I don't know who I am anymore, first I was w/you and felt whole, then I was w/out you and felt sad and alone. I just like being by myself in our little home. I'm making some improvements that are really getting the old place looking pretty good. I have to get a new living room set because when I look at the leather couch, I'm sorry I think of your family and sorry to say, I know you won't like this but I really hated how they treated you when you were sick, i just can't look at anything having to do w/them. For this I am truly sorry. I know I'm always telling Michelle to let anger go and move on, but when I think of them I could just burst. I know new subject..........I'm starting to think that Jackie is a little nuts, she called me this morning and told me to go talk to the people that are cutting down trees for the town and ask them to cut it up for me, what does she think? I'm really starting to wonder. I guess I'll have to go buy a new chain saw, fabios had yours for a long time trying to put the chain on it and I'm sick of waiting! Well, I've bitched long enough, my love take care remember I love you tell God I said Hi and pray for us. Close

Hi Baby  / Susie (forever)
Well I had my teeth "ALL" out and man it was not fun, but it's done now I'm trying to get used to these falsies, but it's tough they just don't feel right in my mouth, they don't hurt they just feel out of place!The dentist told me to take them out and use salt water, but I can't! I can't see myself this way, When he took them out my top lip sank in like an old lady, I hated it and I can't see myself that way, I don't think you could either because we went together for over 20 years and I never saw you without your teeth until the hospital, I didn't even know that you had falsies until we had been together for about 15 years, still you NEVER took them out and now I see why, it's disgusating.  Well, I have 3 days off and I'm really looking forward to it, I can get some things done and get some rest. The Montaro is really coming in handy, tomorrow I'm going to the dump and it's chock full, thank you for all that you left me, you thought that you left me nothing, but you left me so much, I will be forever greatful. I hope that your safe, happy and out of pain I often think of how much pain that you were in and I could't do anything for you I am eternally sorry for that, but know that I love you more than life itself and nothing will ever change that. so goodnight, sweet dreams and remember that I will ALWAYS love you. Close

No Oxy for me!!!!!  / Michelle Welkes (daughter)
Oh my god Pop, it seems like forever that I have written to you. Even though I talk to you every day. Let's see, what's new??? Well, as you know I went home for Christmas and had an awesome time, sick and all. It was so nice to have a quiet calm Christmas with Mommy. I felt so safe in your room. I wish we could have stayed at least a week (or many more).  I felt so bad for Mommy because Brittany did not want to stay there. I think she took it more personal than she should. Same goes for me. Just recently did I try to remember what it was like to be 10 and have a cousin to play with. I know she was torn and really did not want to hurt anyone purposely. That is not who she is. I also know it was not about Eva and Jacob because she did not stay with them either. What I do believe in my heart is that she was nervous about her breathing and her allergies. Not having asthma or allergies, I can only imagine what it must be like; and to fear a lot of things. It ended up for the better anyway because, guess what??? I got sick, lol.  She loves Mommy with all her heart. I think also, part of her might have feared how we were going to act since it was our first Christmas without you. She was uncertain whether we would be crying or whatever. Very easy for me to understand her on that. She has lost so many at such a young age; it must be hard for her little brain to compute when even mine cannot. I've had many the sit downs with her over some very personal "God forbid" issues and she has made some tough decisions. Both Henry and I feel it was the right decision; as did Peter Kaiser. You know how I am about my wills.....lol. I have no plans on going anywhere until she is quite old, but, God forbid we do, Mommy will have a handful.
   Next topic.............it kind of took me back and kind of made me laugh. Mommy claims I can have a "way" about me when I do not like someone. Now come on!!!!!! Do you think that's true ((((wink wink))))?  All right, all right, so I prank called you a couple times......that was over twenty years ago!!!!!! THAT I was sorry for. Here's my deal and I am going to be straight-uo honest, no holds barred.  My mother and I are very similar in  many, many ways; but not all ways. Mommy always said I hold grudges.........not true. What I DO do is write people off. They basically do not exist to me any longer once they hurt me. Now, I do that for me. When I KNOW someone is hurting or has hurt someone I love, whole new ballgame. Mommy is very trusting of people. she says naive, I say trusting and loving. She would like to believe (as we all would), that people cannot possibly do some of the things they do. Especially if it is family or friends. I think she finds it incomprehensible. Me, I trust NO ONE. I think I can spell it out like this, and I might be wrong but.............. Mommy goes into something trusting at the beginning, until people do her wrong. I go into relationships with no trust and let people build it. Mommy has a heart of gold and I know first-hand can forgive anyone of just about anything. I definitely can forgive, no doubt about it. The fact of the matter is I am extremely protective of my loved ones. I would fight to my death for them, that's just me. When the topic of forgiveness came around while I was in CT, Mommy claimed how she would be able to forgive certain people.  I told her I never would. I could have lied and said I could, but that's not me. To me, certain things are just unforgiveable. It is not my job to forggive when it comes to certain things, it is God's.  So was I a bitch when I saw Bill at Peter's? You bet your ass I was. Do I have proof that he stole things? Nope, don't need it. Actions speak louder than words and I can read people like a book. First hearing Henry talk about how he was and then me actually seeing him try to pry off the rack on your truck with all his might, hell bent on getting it was all the proof I needed. Just like Missy when I hid your pills and she needed to "go clean" your room. She was so overly excited about the new dog collars, talking a mile a minute, very nervous and trying to look interested when all she gave a shit about was diverting everyone's attention so she could get more pills. Every time I think about sitting in my car in the middle of the night with her laying on your couch on your computer, and seeing you struggle to get up, I want to vomit. That is only one of the things that haunt me. I've not had the most sparkling of lives, but I have learned a lot because of it. Whether she agrees or not (she probably won't), it is my job to protect my mother. You are gone now and you wanted me to promise you certain things. You know, because you see everything, that I try my hardest to protect her and not let the "Bill's" or the "Missy's" of the world get to her and take ANYTHING from her.  If that makes me obssessive, over the top or unforgiving, so be it. I've thought, prayed, cried, you name it over what your family did and I came to the conclusion that I will not let it eat at me any longer; but I will never be able to forgive. I am sorry if that makes you sad Pop, but I just cannot do it.
   So I had my tonsils ripped out of my throat..............lol. Not fun at all. It had to be done though. It sure did take a while to become on of the living again. I was so jell-o'd out. Many many times as I tried to eat or cough or swallow I thought of the pain that you must have been in. Only difference is yours was so much longer and so much worse. I forgot, you had Oxycontin too..........lol, but not really. What a terrible pain you suffered. Daily my heart aches thinking of it. Thankfully both of our pains have subsided now.
   I'd like to go home in the summer for a good couple of weeks. Think Mommy would have me?????  She's got a BIG birthday coming up. I thought it would be nice. I'll have to make that happen. I think I've written enough. I miss you, I love you and you know that I am praying for you along with all of the rest of my loved ones. May you have a waonderful day in Heaven. Tell God I said hello, okay?
Love you, 
Michelle Close

SORRY / Susie (FOREVER)
Hi honey, I spent half the night at Lowe's tonight trying to pick out celing fans, not knowing what I was doing. It seems that I do alot of that lately not knowing what I'm doing, but I am so lost without you and your advice especially for maintenance issues. The kids were very upset today because I've hired an electrician that they think is trying to take advantage of me, he probably is, but what choice do I have? I want these things done and I don't have time to shop around, so if the person seems reliable has a license and can do the work I go with him. I know how the kids feel they don't want anyone taking advantage of me, but they also don't realize that it's alot more expensive here in Connecticut than N.H. and that's just the way it is. My heart truly goes out to my baby, she has been so sick for so long, can't you please help her, this is tearing me up inside, she doesn't deserve this, she's a good person, she needs her life back, please help her. I feel that she has suffered enough, she's done nothing wrong why should she suffer anymore? Please ask the BIG GUY to let her have her life and be happy. I miss you so much more every day please tell me what to do to end this suffering. LOVE ME Close

LOVING YOU FOREVER  / Susie
Frank, Well the holidays are over, and I am so glad that Michelle came here for Christmas, she was such a comfort to me, just knowing that I had someone that cared about me and loved you was wonderful. I truly didn't need anyone else while she was here. I am so sorry that she got sick, but being a bit selfish, it did give us one night alone together that I cherish. It was just so comforting to have her here. She is the best thing that ever happened to me she's got so many wonderful and blessed virtues, she's kind, helpful, loving, giving,just a precious angel, hell I could go on forever, but you know her, she has been such a help to me these last few months, I probably would have lost my mind literally had she not been here for me.
New Years Eve I didn't have Chinese food as we always did, I just couldn't. There's alot of things that I still can't do, but that's ok, they're usually special things that we did for many years together.I worked at Pitney Bowes until 6:30 and just came home I was happy to be in our little home with the greyhounds.  I still cry and miss you more than words can say, it hasn't lessened any, and I really don't care if it ever does. I'm happy to just live with the memories of the many years that we had together. I hope that you celebrated New Years in heaven with every one that I knew, and please tell them I miss them all and will be with them someday soon. LOVE SUSIE  Close

Christmas / Michelle Welkes (daughter)

Well Pop,
   At the risk of sounding like a total bitch, I am happy that Christmas is over. I feel so utterly ashamed, embarrassed and disgusted for Mommy at the way Brittany acted. It wasn't that she was mean. It was the same old shit, different day. Had I known, I would NEVER have had Mommy get the ornaments, food, etc. I think Mommy thinks it's her, that Brittany does not want to be with her. That is definirely not true. She just wants to be where the fun is, no matter who's house it is at. I think b/c it was Gaby, who is right up there in age with Britt., that was the place to be. Believe me, she does it with me ALL THE TIME. She has never been the "lovey-dovey, huggy, kissy type". Even to me. I really do not want Mommy to think it was her..........nothing could be further from the truth. It is definitely not who she loves more, but where she THINKS she will have more fun.  I had a beautiful time at the house. Just sucks that I got sick. Who knows, maybe I will come in the summer and stay a while longer. All in all, I had an excellent time. Much better than even I thought i would. I was so comfortable, serene and at peace being there. I just wanted to say thank you. I love you.

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