SUMMER/ Susie
Well, Babe, summer is here and I thought that by this time I would miss you less I actually miss you more especially when I am working out in the yard. I remember how we used to work together, you cutting the grass, me gardening. Yesterday I needed to use the persuader, and it wasn't there, so I decided to use the axe, neither one of them were in the barn. I then took a quick look around and saw that most everything we had for yard work is missing. Well you know when my temper gets up!!! Well I called Bill and confronted him w/this, he of course denied it, but Frank there is noone else that has been here to take that stuff. I was so mad that anyone could steal from a dead men and I told him exactly that. Well I guess that he called Peter and complained about his crazy sister, so Peter called me and instead of asking calmly what happened he started yelling at me he stood up for Bill in every way saying that I was completely wrong. After I told him to shut up and hung up I felt so all alone, i felt that even my family is turning on me luckily, Michelle was awake and called me back it was the second time in the same day that she calmed me down and assured me that I was not alone, Frank I don't care if any one bothers w/me as long as I have her I'm ok. Never has Peter asked if I needed help with anything around the house, and this has hurt me for a very long time, to know my own brother is a painter yet I have to hire one. This however is the last straw for me It just makes me laugh he goes to mass every morning but yet can't help his own sister, isn't that what faith is all about? Helping each other? Oh well I will be going to NH next week and I think the change will be a good one. Funny when I was young and thought about growing old I never thought it would be this way, but I guess that I have to work with what I've been given, I love and miss you.Close
I have come to the conclusion today that I need to disown some Campbells. They have pushed me to my breaking point by doing what they did to my mother. I cannot describe to you how I feel about all of this because I still do not even know. I am so saddened that Mommy has to learn all of these horrible things whilst still grieving. For some reason I think you would support my decision. I am very glad she is coming up. I am sure we will t that have fun. Sometimes I think that it is actually better that I moved. If I was closer I do not know what I would do to certain people; honestly. It's one thing not to bother with someone by either phone calls, holidays or whatever. It is an entirely different scenario when you believe in your heart that your brother will stick up for you and he doesn't. I am guessing it must feel like a slap across the face. No loyalties whatsoever. His uppitiness, thinking he is better than everyone and shitty comments to people are now over. He, his wife and his "child" may live in their lovely little world. There is a saying that if you do not have family you have nothing. I hope they will feel the nothingness that they have brought upon themselves. I do hope that one day they need something, for I will laugh in their faces. Worry not for mommy, because I am here and the shit stops now. I just needed to get this off my chest. I love you and I miss you. Guide me so that I may guide my mother.
I am looking for the words to say but they elude me at this point. I simply cannot believe what is going on. What's funny is, everything I was ever taught about thieves and liars (from a very reputable source), just proved to be true today. He actually buried his own self. He admitted to taking the ramps and holding onto them in case he needed them again. He then said how the garage was cleaned out three times. Now, I do not even know how many times the garage was cleaned out. One can only surmise that he meant by himself. I did call Peter on both numbers and let him know that IF this man keeps up or if ANYTHING is missing again I will be in Connecticut and I will be bringing Bill home in a body bag. Yes, those were my exact words. I also left on the voicemail that he needs to "watch his shit," because this guy is nothing more than a "lying, stealing junkie." Make no bones about it. I might be gone but I am not forgotten. There are plenty of people that I know that would love to hurt someone just because. THIS is not how grieving is supposed to be. The only thing I can hope and pray is that like he told me when I was going nuts over Missy that one day when he sobers up he will realize what he did and it will haunt him. Personally, that is NOT good enough for me. He WILL get his one way or another. I promise you that.
JOB/ Susie
Well Sweetie as we knew my job at Pitney is a thing of the past. I know that you were quite concerned about how I would be financially wise and I just want to assure you not to worry, everything will work out, it always does. I hope to go to Michelle's house for Britt's graduation, I think the date is the 20th, I'm a little nervous about bringing the dogs I don't want to upset Bear, after all it is her home. I'm afraid that Bear will smell them and bark continually or go crazy trying to get at them. Michelle assures me that all will be ok so I have to have faith in her words. My heart is aching for this kid with this back the shots that she has to get are excruating, I don't know how she has the strength to live like this, she is a very strong person, at times she amazes me, I am so proud of her in every way, to bear this pain and still be able to smile and be positive is amazing to me. I know that you are not her biological father, but it's amazing, she has so much of you in her. You also put up with unbearable pain not telling anyone the awful truth of horrible pain that you felt. I know that she has an unending love for you, and I'm so happy that she had the chance to meet you in her life and be able to call someone Dad that really deserved it instead of the pig I was married to. I will never forget you for giving her this special love, she certainly deserved you after what she had. Well that's my nostalgia for tonight sweetie, remember, I will always love you, miss you and hold you most high in my thoughts of gratitude. Please pray for Us, Love You Close
I went for my second time in two weeks for cortisone shots. Let me tell you, they are not fun. I am trying so hard to be optimistic and not sad but is have been just so long. I don't even tell Mommy how much they really hurt. I don't think there are words to describe it. I need to ask you a favor. Could you possibly see if the Big Guy upstairs can give me just a little. If not, it's okay.
On a different topic. I have noticed recently that my clock radio in the kitchen goes off for no reason. I could be siting on the couch and the radio will go on????? Whom do you think is responsible, hmmmmmm?
Love you so much!!!!
So glad Mommy is getting a reprieve. I will be so happy to see her!!!!!!!!
ANOTHER DAY / Susie
Hey Sweetie! Well today I had a meeting w/Human Recources about my departure from Pitney Bowes, we discussed what I get etc. I get to keep my Medical and I am so glad that I get to keep my life insurance for a year. I was so afraid because people told me that we loose it, but I got that straight. I get to keep it also for one year, I was worried because if anything would happen, the kids would'nt have the money to throw me in the ground and knowing my daughter she would go in debt just to make sure I was buried proper, so now I don't have to worry about that the only thing that I seem to be losing is my dental and at this point, it does'nt really matter LOL!!!! So you don't have to worry about me I assure you I will be alright! I seem to be ok financially, insurance wise , and I know that I WILL get another job. I know this was really on your mind for quite a while while you were still here, but now you can rest easy I think I've taken care of everything to assure my welfare. Now if I could just lessen my sadness at losing you, honestly Frankie I can't stop missing you, I don't think I will ever be over this, I think of you and miss you everyday. I have to go now because I thought of something important that I have to tell Michelle, so I will talk to you soon, my love. Please Pray for us. Close
Crazy/ Susie
I'm writing this for the second f---ing time because the verifacation code didn't go in!! I'm pissed because Brittany was on when I came on and never said Hi as ususal so I'm giving up on her, no more money, nothing I can't pretend that everything is ok anymore when it isn't! She never calls me or anything, so BYE, BYE!! My only true love is my daughter, she has always been there for me. Whether or not people know it, I am totally alone and it's very difficult. Michelle understands and if I may say so I'm also pissed because she feels that she can't work on this site because of the big fu--ing blowhard she is married to. It's OUR site and she has every right to workon it!!! Frankie WAS her father and F--k anyone that disputes that and feels that she is nuts because she works on this site is dispicable, and I have no respect for them, so Michelle if you read this, please get back to work on this site, ME & You it's good for you I should know, I'm your mother you felt you were doing something good for your mother & father and you were, please don't listen to ass----les! I guess that I'm pissed because Michelle is the only that has taken time for me, even though I spent a few thousand on allergy tests and saving lives for a person w/unknown illnesses! I know this letter has to hurt Michelle, but I can't help that, I've had enough, she's my life and always has been I'm sad that she has selfish people in her family. I Love Her more than anything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Close
Miss You / Susie
If you had told me a year ago that my life would be this way without you I wouldn't have believed you. It seems that I am caught up in a whirl wind, not knowing which way to turn, I am so lost, I turn this way and that and nothing seems to help,I don't know who I'm supposed to be anymore! My job at pitney Bowes will be gone in a few days and I know that this upsets you. I'm already thinking of what I want to do next, imagine I'm almost 60 years old and I have to start all over again! My life has always been this way though, very confused, I guess that's why I'm just a litttle crazy! I miss you more as the days go by, I thought it was supposed to be the opposite! I constantly think about you and virtually see you at times, honestly Frank, I just plain miss you I really feel that half of me is gone. It's Memorial day weekend and I'm alone but that's ok I don't need people all the time, but I sure do miss you. Hoping that some one puts a flag on your grave. Please Pray for us. I Love You! Close
MISS YOU / Susie-
Well, because of Jim Almon's screw up I had to go to Danbury City hall today and get a death certificate. It just brought back all old memories and I felt so sad being there. When I came out of the building, i just burst into tears, I couldn't help it the old feelings came rushing back in and I couldn't handle it. I thought I was getting a little better with missing you, but I see that the feelings are just below the surface, I felt the same way when Michelle was here and hurt her back I was nervous, scared, and overwhelmed with fear. I just can't stand to see people that I love hurt or sick. As I said, today was a really rough day for me I know that you're here with us, but sometimes I just feel so alone and lost I miss you more than I could have imagined I could,. I love you and miss you and please pray for us. and I don't think that will ever change, you were the love of my life and I miss you terribly. If you could, would you please help Michelle with her back, she's in so much pain all the time, that it's not fair, she has no life and this disturbs me terribly please help her or ask the BIG GUY for a favor, please help us and pray for us , my Sweet . Thank You Close
People told me but I never realized how badly a mother can hurt when there child is hurting because of others. Brittany has been going through Hell with this kid across the street. I kept quiet for a while hoping he would stop...........I did not want to get involved too soon. I hoped and prayed he would find someone else to be his prey because he is nothing more than a predator. The other major factor is that I KNOW it is going to be WAR now between his father and myself. Honestly, I am ready. After I heard Shrimp crying in her room last night, I in turn went to my room and cried. The only difference is each tear that fell down my face became harder and hurt more each drop, thereby giving me the strength to fight for her. I've spoken to whom I need to, written the letters and will now wait. My next step will be to go to Superintendant Tammy Davis. I DO have the law on my side because it is illegal to bully AND it is illegal for the school to allow it..............even on the bus. I will NOT let her go through what I did as a child. Times are different now and the children have the law on their side. When I was young, we had nothing except our parents to back it up. When it was me I felt I "deserved" it. When you grow up in the type of household I did with my father, your judgement becomes clouded. I guess I felt if my mother was getting beaten and yelled at all the time, that must be the way it is supposed to be. I honestly do not know if mommy believes all I went through in grammar school but it is all true. I really did love school itself. It was the being picked last for volleyball, being called, "Jaba the Hut" amd being terrorized by phone that made me literally sick to my stomach and skip school..(I promise you it was NOT for the curlers and face masks). Many, many years I felt Mommy viewed me as a waste. She worked so hard for so many years to send me to the best school. What do I do to repay her or show gratitude? Become a waitress, that's what. BUT, damnit, I was a good one. The schooling and struggling paid off. I AM very intelligent and I know what it is like to live with basicall the clothes on your back and a suitcase. These are lessons one does not learn in school. I think she does now not view me as a disappointment. I have become a loving, caring, reliable and responsible person. I have to be honest.............it helps me a little too when people tell my mother they like me. It makes me feel like I did something right and I think it does the same for her. If I have to walk through the pits of Hell to keep my child safe, I will without looking back to the light. I have had lots of practice in handling idiots and have no fears. I will NOT have my daughter crying herself to sleep and too embarassed to tell her father. I am grateful she told me. She knows I will handle it......................only thing is Mommy MAY need to bail me out of jail. Just kidding. I will handle this situation like I do most others, with style, integrity and grace. I ask not for myself but for Brittany for you to protect her today with your everlasting love so that she is not scared or upset. I know you will, you send me the signs. I am eternally grateful for all you ever did and for what you continue to do.
I love you,
Michelle
By the way...................Where is that 2x4??????
Hi Sweetie / Susie
I just miss you so much it's terrible, I don't think I will ever get over it! I'm trying to keep busy, but I still think of you and get so sad. The warm weather makes me think of last summer and how awful it was. Certain things just bring up memories. No one has yet told me to get over it like Michelle said was said to her, I think because people know that I would tell them to go f------k themselves! It's only 34 more days until I get my lay off from Pitney, I know you are worried about that, but don't worry, I'll be good, I'm going to take off about 6 months just to get myself back and get some rest then I will get another job. I'm gonna be 60 years old in a few months and I have to still work as hard as when I was 20 because that's where my life has brought me. I'm not complaining, but I thought I would be old w/a husband and just enjoying my old age, but I guess that is not in the cards, oh well that's life. Michelle and Brittany are coming Sunday and I will tell you I just can't wait, I miss them more than they know, Michelle was wondering how she would get to the bus stop in Danbury, I can't believe that she has so little trust in me that I would give up anything for her job, money, whatever! I just can't wait to have her here,relax and enjoy her I know that you'll be here too enjoying her and Britt! That's it for now , Please pray for us All my love Forever Close
LET ME CALL YOU SWEETHEART / Susie
I just had to play "let me call you sweetheart" it's so us! I still miss you terribly, I cry everyday for you. My heart has a big hole in it that won't heal. Michelle says that I'm the Energizer bunny, but as I told her when i stop, I start thinking, so I keep going. I am so exhausted all the time, but I don't care, I just can't think of last year. It was so awful. Well just wanted to say HI and say "I Love You" and always will so take care sweetie, until I see you again in eternity. Please Pray for us. love, Me Close
Hi Honey / Susie
Hi Babe, I just feel so lost tonight without you. I'm not really lonely because I'm working on our home, I just feel sad and like I'm not whole. Tonight I cleaned out my closet, threw away alot of clothes that will never fit me or are just too young for me now that I'm almost officially old. I swear I will have to make at least 4 trips to the dump (WHERE'S ROB!!!) tomorrow. Charley wanted me to work tomorrow and I'm not, he just doesn't get it that the company is just using us now and wants us to bust our asses to get the crap out of our warehouse to Indiana, sorry, but I say F---- them I am not killing myself, I have a life, i have things to do. I am calling in sick the week Michelle comes for 3 days, I can that w/out having to call time out , PB's rules. I was talking to Crazy Eddie at work today, he's married a couple of kids, I always confided in him about when you were sick (friend I thought) he's asking me today why don't I go to Indiana? His wife isn't going, and it would be good money for me... BULLSHIT Charley said that he heard that he wanted me to go, all I gotta say is f.......you this is never going to happen!!!! Why do people that I confide in have to turn around and think I want to------------- .them? This will NEVER happen! I am still so nieve when it comes to people, I have always been too trusting. I think that people are trying to be friends when all they want is something I would never give!! Frank I just don't understand people. You always told me not to get angry but I can't help it sometimes, do they think I'm a slut or something? It just pisses me off!! Well goodnight and Thank You for listening, love You and please pray for us. Close
Hi/ Susie
Well, I've made alot of changes in our home and I hope that you like them. I still can't believe that you're gone. It's been almost 8 months now and I don't feel any different than I did in August. I look at this house and know that it was meant for the 2 of us and now it's just me. Michelle is coming in 2 weeks and I can't wait, I miss her so much, I miss them all terribly. I forgot to tell Michelle, but I got a letter from the VNA that supposedly took care of you, it was from Ceclia, she wanted me to know that I can still come for counseling. Don't they get it? They were told by my daughter that they were terrible and we don't want any further contact from them. I wonder so often what's wrong with people? are they just stupid? Michelle was very emphatic in her talk to the director and still they don't get it, I just don't understand. I found your $2 bill that you lost, it was behind your bed, I said "see Frankie, I didn't take it", you thought that I did.Well I'm gonna go for now, just remember that I'll always love you and miss you. Goodnight my sweet Prince, please pray for us. Love Me Close
Karma is defined as being the actions of a person that will determine their next existance. It is actually believed big time in Hinduism and Buddhism. I truly did not know the "exact" meaning of it until now. I prefer to simply think that karma means what goes around comes around. Pop, I try and I try to explain to Mommy that I am not letting anger make me sick. It truly is as simple as I will not ever, for all of the world, forgive Missy. By no means do I want to sound fresh, but, if someone ever did to me what she and the rest of them did to you, I hope Mommy would not forgive. I do not want to hear it is a disease. If I hear that again, I will throw up. Mommy is so forgiving, and I guess that is a great way to be. I cannot help but wonder to myself if that is why to this day she is so trusting, and at times, naive. I try my best to teach her how evil people are; like Bill the tool/change thief. If it was a disease and she was sick per say, she should have told you she was sick with a disease and gone to a doctor or a hospital. I do when I have pneumonia or mental issues. I do NOT go to someone's house and treat myself with their medications that are not even the right ones for my disease. I look back and envision you so sick, so helpless, so vulnerable, just wanting love in your finl days. My mind's movies then go to all of them disgracing your name, your love and your life by behaving the way they did at the end of your life, and then in death. A mockery was made of you by blood relatives. On the other hand, you were put on the world's highest pedastal by the people that others could not "accept." I honestly do wish I would see her again someday. I only have but one question........why????? Next to my mother, you were the ONLY person on this Earth that I could completely trust. Every time I go to therapy or the psychiatrist with my own, "disease", and we talk about my marriage, they always ask me what I wanted out of being married. My reply is always the same. I wanted to be protected. That didn't work out so well. When you were here I had you and I felt protected. Pardon me if I am speaking out of turn, but I do believe you would lay down your own life for me. Now, I have to lay it down for myself. Every single thing Mommy feels I feel and understand. I have to hope and have faith that you are protecting Mommy and myself from Heaven. I forget what the exact comment was in the bank when the girl asked me what I was going to do with the money I am coming into. I said I really did not know (bills, bills, Shrimp). It was mentioned how it has been unclaimed for some time and I should be happy about it and something like "okay" because it's been so long since everyone died. The word I used was "bittersweet." I told her I take nothing for advantage, I feel blessed and honored and would give it back in a minute for Grandma. I think of her with her two masses every day, her hours of praying for everyone but herself and her fragilness. Yes, she was older, but no, she did not deserve to suffer like she did either. Same with Uncle Michael. I used to get so pissed at Angie when he was terminal and she tried to monitor his diet.........we all see how that worked out when I got the Slurpee and the milk shakes........lol. She didn't even realize the Percocet was making him itch........I did. :o) If I were to know I was going to die tomorrow, I would like my legacy to be that I tried my best to help and take care of and keep safe my loved ones. To me that speaks volumes more than being a millionaire or a lawyer or someone affluent in society. I cannot see people suffer or want. It surprises me too at some times at how I turned out because of my childhood. I believe I lived it, learned from it and decided at a very young age I would not live like that or raise a child in that type of environment. Having been abused I believe this is why it is almost impossible to raise a hand to Brittany. I remember as a child Mommy staying in that hell of a marriage partly for me and partly because she had nowhere to go. I also vaguely remember as a child things that people would say my father would never do to me. It's fuzzy, but it's there. I was told that as an adult our minds are not as imaginative as a child's. If we believe or see something that happened as a child, it most likely did, but our brains do have a way of filtering things from us. That is why, until I got to know you I never felt as though I ever had a father; just a sperm donor. My "biological" father did not care about me, love me, and certainly did not treat me as a daughter. That is why you are so precious to me. God gave me a second chance at having a father. How lucky am I? Even though He took you back way too soon, the impressions and influences you bestowed upon me will be forever cemented in my brain. For that, I thank you. You never "had" to do all you did for me. After all, as some may say, you were not my true father. As you stated to me on that Sunday, "We know better."
Why are people so inconsiderate? I wanted to have a nice thing but my family members are too busy with Maine or Vegas. Mommy always tells me to not be a grudgeholder. This just pisses me off. They show NO care or concern for others. The world that they live in surrounds them and only them. Selfish, inconsiderate idiots. If that Bill ever came to your house, I would hurt him so bad his own mother would not recognize him. Am I angry???? Not at all. I know my mother will be taken care of by me. everyone else van KISS MY ASS !!!!!!!!!! As a side note, I will NOT be giving Christmas gifts that were not that cheap out next year to those whom I feel do not represent what Christmas is about. People are pissing me off left and right!!!!!!!!!!! Mommy better hide the phones when I get there.
I love you Pop,
I hope I am doing everything the way you wanted me too. It brings me joy to help my mother.
Tributes and Condolences
Your granddaughter, the winner of the entire fifth grade for her report on the D.A.R.E. Program. 
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