Hi/ Susie
Hi Sweetie, well it was a beautiful Saturday today, just the type of day you used to love, a sight chill in the air, plenty of leaves, and lots to do. I realized today just how much time I do spend alone, or as I think, time that I spend without you. It's quite a large amount of time. I guess that I just have to get used to being alone, or being without you, whether or not I like it , and as I think you know by now, I don't like it. I hope that you're doing well in heaven w/Rocco, Mugsey and Skuttles, Little Guy and the rest of our beloved pets. I remember when we certainly had a house full! A large family, big dinners, lots of pets, and just plain good times. I went to Agway today and saw the sign for hay rides, hay bales, where you used to take Brittany every year, and thought of just how much I miss these things. I certainly lost everything, didn't I? You, Michelle, Britt, Henry, Rocco, everything I cared about. It's so hard now I feel so all alone. Peter & Ginny have been very good to me I can not deny that and I do thank them, but I still have a very big void, I guess that I will have to try to fill it as best I can. I'm sorry if I sound a litle self pity tonight but I just have to let you know how I feel. Thanks for listening, Love You Always, and please Pray for Us. Close
Miss You / Susie
Hi Babe, Well it's autumn and again the leaves are falling and I am of course thinking of you and how we used to work outside in the yard this time of the year. It's funny, I can be working outside, then I get a thought of you and start crying hystericlly remembering how we used to work together on the yard, I just can't grasp that you're really gone from me, I thought you would be here forever. I lost my glasses at work and after futile tries and looking everywhere, they just turned up!! I know it was you and I thank you, but just wish that you were here w/me. I know that you're looking over me and of course Michelle and her family, but we all miss you so much it just doesn't seem right to carry on w/our lives,without you. Please understand my attempt at trying to reach you, I will always love you. Please Pray for Us. Close
Bunch of Stuff / Michelle Welkes (daughter)Read >>
Bunch of Stuff / Michelle Welkes (daughter)
Happy Fall Pop!!!!!!!!!
It's the first day of Autumn and it's my favorite season. I'm sorry I haven't written much but I've been pretty busy lately, with work and all that good stuff. I really like my job and am finding it is helping me in more ways than I thought. It's a good thing.
I am so happy Mommy got a job until she can find something she may like better. Who knows, she may really like this one; that would be great. I think she will find that it will help her stress, keep her mind busy at work and off of her troubles and have her not drink too much at night because she will have to get up early. To me, these are all good things. I would hate to see her keep drinking perhaps at times, a bit too much. This is of course only my opinion. It will all work out for her. She has to keep even the tiniest positive outlook. I feel so bad because I am so far away and cannot help her more; but I think she is doing a wonderful job and I am very proud of her. I know it is not easy. It saddens me that people make plans with her and then they do not show up. The good in her seems to give her an optimistic outlook on people. The history in ME sees that people are only out for themselves. I am glad neither person met her at the restaurants and what not. Don't get me wrong, my heart hurts for the letdown that she felt. I feel the same with Peter but he will never change. I wish she would not think she cannot come to me with things because I am nuts. I hope she realizes that I always only have HER best interest at heart and I want to protect her and keep her safe. I know she thinks that's nonsense, but that is how I feel. I am sorry for the loneliness she feels. This I can relate to. I want it to start to get easier on her. I pray for the issues to be smaller and smaller so that her life will be a little less hectic. I do not think she realizes how much I need her. I will never get over the fact that I am a disappointment to her. She has to know that the tuition she payed so much for really was valuable. I am just happy I turned out to be a good person----- you cannot learn that in school. On an end note, I miss you. Especially with the winter coming, who is going to tell me how much snow I am going to get?????? Please guide Mommy to the right path. Protect her, keep her safe and try to make her pain a little more bearable.
HI!/ Susie
Well, here we are in the season of autumn already and nothing has changed, I still miss you more than I can say. I am trying to get a job and it's really stressing me out, it's such a bad time to try and find a job, Wall St is crashing, banks are going out of business, it's just a really bad time. I miss you so much I can't stand it anymore, I've tried everything to forget, but nothing works. You were just the love of my life and how can i forget that? Now I am just ALONE and I'm tired of it! I have no one to talk to, no one to help me, and no one to love I hate it. I'm still mad at God for taking you from me, people get afraid when I tell them I'm mad at God, they can't imagine such a thing, but these are the people that didn't know you. Why did he do this to us? It is said that God has a reason for everything He does, but what is the reason for this? It's been over a year and I still can't answer that question. What did your dying accomplish? I still can't see any reason for it. All I know is that I need you here w/me not up in heaven, I swear frank, I will never be the same. I miss you helping me with everything and just being funny and cute, now all I have is serious, and friends that make plans and never show up, people don't know how much this hurts but it does. I was supposed to meet Crazy Eddie from pitney bowes for lunch last friday at the Villa and I sat in the parking lot for half an hour and he just never showed up, so I went home. Joe Peterson made plans w/me to meet at the Sycamore and have lunch and bullshit and two weeks in a row he never showed. I am truly getting sick of people, they are just so cruel I just want to be w/our dogs. I will always love you. Please Pray for us. Close
UPSET/ Susie
My sweetie, I just wrote you a long letter but because I didn't put a title on it, it was erased! I am too tired to do it again, so i will do it tomorrow goodnight, my love! Close
ONE YEAR / Susie
People said to me "At least he is not suffering anymore!" I replied, why did he have to suffer at all? They said "He's with God now" I replied, he could've been with God when he was a little older! It has been one full year since my sweet, sweet Frankie went to heaven, I think of him every single day. I just can not understand why he had to suffer so terribly as he did, I can't understand why he had to go to heaven so early in his life, they say bad things happen for the best, but after one year I do not see any best or good that came out of this whole ordeal, I find myself completly lost at times without his guidance, help and intelligence and of course humor. He was the best thing that ever came into my life and will probably be the best thing that happened to me forever. I do not feel you close to me as I've felt when others have passed, I feel completly alone, as I said before like half a person. I may not cry as much after a year, but the pain has gotten no better. People tell me how strong I am, well that doesn't phase me I've had to be strong since I was 12 years old and my mother died. It seems I've lost family member after family member, and now I'm just tired of being strong. This loss of Frank was the most devastating loss a person could have, and to watch him go through the pain, suffering, hope when the Dr's said something positive and the continual let down. I believe that frankie was a kind, gentle, selfless, caring and very giving person, and I will believe until the day that I die that Frankie did not deserve this. Sleep Peacefully, My LoveClose
Hey/ Susie
Hi Baby first of all in answer to your Aunt Lana's question, yes, we knew that Frank was called Pancho when he was younger thank you for that sweet rememberance! Everything is going as expected without you, I get completly lost at times and need your help, I am completly lonely and need your gentle touch, I am completly only not complete, only half. I miss you so much I don't think a person should feel this bad for this long. You were the best thing that I ever had and will ever have, I realize this now, and wish that I just had you back for one second. I just can't accept that you're gone, I keep expecting that I will see you at every turn that I make, but it doesn't happen, then my tears fall yet again. It's almost one year from that awful day and I feel no less relief. I miss everything about you, your laugh, your smile, your gentle kind ways, you sweet love and your understanding nod at times when I made absolutely no sense. I am still mad at God for making you suffer and taking you, it makes NO sense to me, I know it's not supposed to, I know all the stand by answers, but that still doesn't make me feel any less lonely, angry or feel that I've been robbed of the love of my life. Please help me to understand all of this! Close
Surprise!!!/ Lana Marcum (Aunt)
Surprise "lil" Frankie, it is me, your aunt Lana, we were so close in age we should have been siblings.... I do think of you so often and hope you are resting peacefully in the arms of Jesus... You left behind some who loved and depended on you to be the strong person in their life.... But I feel sure they will get along but not without missing you every step of the way.... You really did leave your love with them. God Bless you Michelle and Suzie, you took good care of Frankie and I fell sure God Will Richly Bless you for your efforts..... By the way, did anyone there know that when you were a little boy, your nickname was "Poncho"? I love you Frankie and Rest in Peace. Close
MISSING YOU / Susie
Well, Babe we're coming up on your one year anniversary I printed out directions to come and visit you, hopefully it will be this week. Life is just not the same at all since you left. My love for you has only grown, and I seem to miss you more each day. I try to keep busy, but it seems as though not too much interests me, I am very lonely and I know that keeping busy will fill that void, but everything seems like nothing without you. I know that the last thing you would want is for me to be unhappy or sad, but I can't seem to change these feelings. Time is supposed to be the healer, but how long does it take? Maybe I don't want to get over you, maybe I just love you that much, I somehow think this is the answer. I miss you and think about you constantly my love, please pray for me. Love You Close
I think after all of these years I have found closure in a relationship. I no longer build up my hopes for things that are futile. A lot of people in life would be pissed, mad, etc. The difference between them and I is that in this ONE circumstance I am actually grategul to have such a warm, caring, loving friend. In my heart of hearts Pop I honestly believe he wanted out but was just too scared of the consequences. I could never play the "Blame Game." There is no one to blame. I think we both needed each other in many ways. I'll never forget a couple things about his son and he. With him I felt protected, safe, pretty. His son was the nicest policeman I have evr met. He was so calm and reassuring and way beyond considerate. If my mind flahes back to that Christmas night I swear on you that I could see compassion in your son's eyes. I will never be embarrassed but will always be grateful.
Mommy is coming here in August!!! It should be fun; I can hardly wait!!!!!!
July 4th / Susie
Well, here we are, another holiday and no you, I don't think I'll ever get used to it! I didn't think a year ago that I would be without you, I kept thinking that they would cure you, a special chemo or something. I know now that was just wishful thinking. I can't say that my life has been easy since you've left,I keep trying as best I can. Michelle has really kept your site looking nice, it does you justice. Well sweetie, "HAPPY 4th of JULY" and please please pray for us. Love You Forever Close
I'm so pissed Pop, I need to vent. I'm not going to go over what assholes I have for family members. There is no point. As you would say, "It is what it is". I'm just pissed picturing my mother laying in the yard crying b/c she has no one but neighbors to ask for help. What she HAS to know is that they really, really want to help her. She is NOT a burden. She at times has a distorted feeling about who she is. Don't we all.
There is something else I need to air out that is bothering me. I am bothered that men are calling her, inviting her for motorcycle rides, etc. It really gets me going. There is no doubt that I wish my mother happiness; but right now, the vultures are circling. I firmly believe there will NEVER be another man I cannot accept if she lets them into her life. I am sorry but it is how I feel. I know it's not right but I am still too devastated. Wish I had Charlie and Bill's numbers. Thank you for letting me vent.
First day of summer / Michelle Welkes (daughter)Read >>
First day of summer / Michelle Welkes (daughter)
Well Pop,
The first day of summer is almost here. Instead of thinking, "Oh, summer is here," I instead think of how Grandma died that day. It will be four years....wow. I still recall it as if it was yesterday. Like every June 21st, I am busy with something. I somewhat do that on purpose to occupy my mind. It has gotten easier to cope with over the last years, but the memories are still as fresh. Brittany is graduating Friday and I am so proud of her. She really is turning out to be a good young lady. In a way it is shocking. I believe most children who have had so many losses in their young years and a mom who basically cannot do to many activities with her as all other moms can, would not be excelling as well as she is. I guess I'll give myself credit in the fact that even though I might not be able to play much with her, I work hard every single day at trying to instill values, morales, respect and the guidelines in what I expect of her academically. Maybe that's more important?????? Something is right because she does excel in what I guess are the things that matter most. I still cannot help but feel horrible when she wants to play cards and I have to have them right in front of me because I cannot reach. It's a constant pain that at times she does not understand, and I get that. There has to be a yearning inside of her for her mom to be able to do more. I think I would feel the same. For three plus years I have been living my life according to my back. It controls everything I do every single day. At times I feel disassociated from the rest of the world. It is sad. I do not blame anyone or anything for it, I am just starting to really, really ask God to help me instead of telling Him it is okay. Last night I told Him it is not okay and that I need Him to help me. I do believe He will. I even told Him I do not understand why someone like myself has to suffer so much with pain when I really am a good person and others who are not good live without any type of pain. I told Him I did not think at this point it is fair. I wasn't mad, I was honest. Here's to hoping for a miracle. I believe they can and do happen. I REFUSE to drive a Hoverround at 38 years old!!!!!
HAPPY FATHERS DAY / Susie
Well it's here and it's just one more holiday to miss you. The kids and I missed you of course, but that makes it's no different than any other day, we miss you every day. I did however miss getting you the gift card from Home Depot and signing the card from the kids. I do hope that you had a good Fathers Day in heaven your first year. I didn't do anything special today, I worked, went to Lowes came home ate dinner and here I am. Well I just waned to send my love and ask you to please pray for us. love me Close
SUMMER/ Susie
Well, Babe, summer is here and I thought that by this time I would miss you less I actually miss you more especially when I am working out in the yard. I remember how we used to work together, you cutting the grass, me gardening. Yesterday I needed to use the persuader, and it wasn't there, so I decided to use the axe, neither one of them were in the barn. I then took a quick look around and saw that most everything we had for yard work is missing. Well you know when my temper gets up!!! Well I called Bill and confronted him w/this, he of course denied it, but Frank there is noone else that has been here to take that stuff. I was so mad that anyone could steal from a dead men and I told him exactly that. Well I guess that he called Peter and complained about his crazy sister, so Peter called me and instead of asking calmly what happened he started yelling at me he stood up for Bill in every way saying that I was completely wrong. After I told him to shut up and hung up I felt so all alone, i felt that even my family is turning on me luckily, Michelle was awake and called me back it was the second time in the same day that she calmed me down and assured me that I was not alone, Frank I don't care if any one bothers w/me as long as I have her I'm ok. Never has Peter asked if I needed help with anything around the house, and this has hurt me for a very long time, to know my own brother is a painter yet I have to hire one. This however is the last straw for me It just makes me laugh he goes to mass every morning but yet can't help his own sister, isn't that what faith is all about? Helping each other? Oh well I will be going to NH next week and I think the change will be a good one. Funny when I was young and thought about growing old I never thought it would be this way, but I guess that I have to work with what I've been given, I love and miss you.Close
I have come to the conclusion today that I need to disown some Campbells. They have pushed me to my breaking point by doing what they did to my mother. I cannot describe to you how I feel about all of this because I still do not even know. I am so saddened that Mommy has to learn all of these horrible things whilst still grieving. For some reason I think you would support my decision. I am very glad she is coming up. I am sure we will t that have fun. Sometimes I think that it is actually better that I moved. If I was closer I do not know what I would do to certain people; honestly. It's one thing not to bother with someone by either phone calls, holidays or whatever. It is an entirely different scenario when you believe in your heart that your brother will stick up for you and he doesn't. I am guessing it must feel like a slap across the face. No loyalties whatsoever. His uppitiness, thinking he is better than everyone and shitty comments to people are now over. He, his wife and his "child" may live in their lovely little world. There is a saying that if you do not have family you have nothing. I hope they will feel the nothingness that they have brought upon themselves. I do hope that one day they need something, for I will laugh in their faces. Worry not for mommy, because I am here and the shit stops now. I just needed to get this off my chest. I love you and I miss you. Guide me so that I may guide my mother.
I am looking for the words to say but they elude me at this point. I simply cannot believe what is going on. What's funny is, everything I was ever taught about thieves and liars (from a very reputable source), just proved to be true today. He actually buried his own self. He admitted to taking the ramps and holding onto them in case he needed them again. He then said how the garage was cleaned out three times. Now, I do not even know how many times the garage was cleaned out. One can only surmise that he meant by himself. I did call Peter on both numbers and let him know that IF this man keeps up or if ANYTHING is missing again I will be in Connecticut and I will be bringing Bill home in a body bag. Yes, those were my exact words. I also left on the voicemail that he needs to "watch his shit," because this guy is nothing more than a "lying, stealing junkie." Make no bones about it. I might be gone but I am not forgotten. There are plenty of people that I know that would love to hurt someone just because. THIS is not how grieving is supposed to be. The only thing I can hope and pray is that like he told me when I was going nuts over Missy that one day when he sobers up he will realize what he did and it will haunt him. Personally, that is NOT good enough for me. He WILL get his one way or another. I promise you that.
JOB/ Susie
Well Sweetie as we knew my job at Pitney is a thing of the past. I know that you were quite concerned about how I would be financially wise and I just want to assure you not to worry, everything will work out, it always does. I hope to go to Michelle's house for Britt's graduation, I think the date is the 20th, I'm a little nervous about bringing the dogs I don't want to upset Bear, after all it is her home. I'm afraid that Bear will smell them and bark continually or go crazy trying to get at them. Michelle assures me that all will be ok so I have to have faith in her words. My heart is aching for this kid with this back the shots that she has to get are excruating, I don't know how she has the strength to live like this, she is a very strong person, at times she amazes me, I am so proud of her in every way, to bear this pain and still be able to smile and be positive is amazing to me. I know that you are not her biological father, but it's amazing, she has so much of you in her. You also put up with unbearable pain not telling anyone the awful truth of horrible pain that you felt. I know that she has an unending love for you, and I'm so happy that she had the chance to meet you in her life and be able to call someone Dad that really deserved it instead of the pig I was married to. I will never forget you for giving her this special love, she certainly deserved you after what she had. Well that's my nostalgia for tonight sweetie, remember, I will always love you, miss you and hold you most high in my thoughts of gratitude. Please pray for Us, Love You Close
I went for my second time in two weeks for cortisone shots. Let me tell you, they are not fun. I am trying so hard to be optimistic and not sad but is have been just so long. I don't even tell Mommy how much they really hurt. I don't think there are words to describe it. I need to ask you a favor. Could you possibly see if the Big Guy upstairs can give me just a little. If not, it's okay.
On a different topic. I have noticed recently that my clock radio in the kitchen goes off for no reason. I could be siting on the couch and the radio will go on????? Whom do you think is responsible, hmmmmmm?
Love you so much!!!!
So glad Mommy is getting a reprieve. I will be so happy to see her!!!!!!!!
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